Among the few invariably certain things in this ever-changing world of ours is the fact that Chewbacca totally rules.  I mean, who doesn’t like Chewbacca?  Probably only people like Hitler and Ashton Kutcher.  It is therefore nothing short of an event of unquestionable intergalactic significance that Chewbacca has at last decided to become a U.S. citizen.  I myself am somewhat lackluster in my keeping up with international affairs, but I didn’t even know that we had diplomatic ties with his home planet (the name of which escapes me at the moment, but I do know it starts with a K and has about 42 Ys in it).  Sure, in all the news articles about it, they say that Chewbacca is coming over here from England, but the way I see it, there are really only two possibilities concerning that problem.

            First, it might be the case that by England, they actually mean England, Chewbacca-World, like it’s a town there or something, and they just completely randomly ended up with that name by a total quirk of fate.  So in Wookiee, England probably means something like, “Land of the Venomous Mud Squirrels” (over here, of course, it simply means “Land of Engs,” whatever those are).  So, one can assume that he’s also coming here just to escape from a hometown with a silly name, much as people from Blueball, Pennsylvania, Medieval England, Iowa, and I’m A Big Fat Retard, Vermont have done since they were first founded by various fools and Amish people.

            The other possibility is that “Being from England” is actually just a codeword for being a space alien.  I’m sure there are way too many planets to keep track of out there, and even with Tommy Lee Jones and Will Smith on the case, people would freak out if they knew that Patrick Stewart is from Zebulon 9 in the Zookdar Nebula (to say nothing of the generally acknowledged fact that Alec Guinness really was from Tatooine after all, and rather than dying, he’s merely gone back home for a bit of a vacation).  In fact, how do we even know that England is even a real place.  I’ve never been there, and though I know folks who say they’ve been, they might be lying.  Or maybe it’s all really just a bunch of holograms out in a big underground bio-dome somewhere out in Nevada and everyone that we think is from England is actually a space alien like Chewbacca, C.S. Lewis, and Monty Python.  Which goes a long way, mind you, to proving that there are plenty of friendly aliens out there who aren’t addicted to Reese’s Pieces and Speak ‘n Spell, but still, I’m rather disappointed to know that this whole England thing has been such a farce.

            The other big question of course, is how Chewbacca got to be a U.S. citizen in the first place.  All that I was able to find out is that he’s marrying a woman from Texas (and, being as he is well over 200 years old, I’m sure his mom is all sorts of relieved to know he’s finally settling down).  Now, I tried to come up with an exhaustive list of all the single women in Texas that I know of, and the only ones I could think of were the Bush twins.  I personally never learned to tell the two of them apart, but assuming that Chewbacca’s not a Mormon or anything, we can safely say that he’s only marrying the one of them.

            The last thing I want to be doing is jumping to conclusions here, but it seems to me that since George Bush’s dad was President, and George Bush is President now, he’d probably really like it if his son could be President too someday.  Alas, having only daughters, the only way ol’ George’s dream is gonna come true is if he decides to settle for a son-in-law; which, of course, Chewbacca will now be.  Sure, you might think that since Chewie isn’t a native of this fine nation of ours, he can’t be elected President.  And that’s where Arnold Shwarzenegger comes in.

            For you see, it won’t be long before the American people, believing that they’re paving the way for the Terminator to reach the Presidency, actually play into the diabolically ingenious plans of the Republican Party by voting to amend the Constitution to allow Austrians and Wookiees to run for President.  Honestly, I’m not sure why exactly they’re going to such lengths to everyone’s favorite walking carpet elected, but I for one, and eager to see what kind of Supreme Court Justices he’ll nominate, as well as which diplomats he plans to beat to death with their own arms.