You know how in The Lion King, when Simba finally reuturns home after years of eating bugs and hanging out with Timone and Pumba (clearly the R2-D2 and C3PO of the jungle, if you know what I mean), and his evil Uncle Dave has messed everything up?  How exactly did that happen anyway?  I mean, the savannah looks like some kind of a postindustrial wasteland of doom.  How did lions do that?  Did they stop eating gazelles and start opening up poorly managed petroleum refineries?  Did a radioactive meteorite crash there?  Seriously, despite the authority that comes with being King of the Beasts, when it comes to environmental regulation, your two choices are pretty much whether or not to eat all the other animals, and whether or not to keep that retarded baboon priest on staff; not whether or not to try to develop a self-sufficient petrochemical business while turning the wilderness into New Jersey.  On the other hand, if lions actually do have some way of completely messing up the environment when they feel like it, maybe we’d better go ahead and eat them all now, before they turn on us and usher in a global famine or something.

            As everybody knows, Two Face is just one of many thematically-unified Batman villains, because he carries a double-headed quarter.  But what if he accidentally got ahold of one of those new Kansas quarters?  If he wanted to keep his gimmick, he’d have to have a normal face on one side, and a buffalo on the other, which means he’d have to fall into a big vat of buffalo wings or something (because the surest way of getting freaky powers is to fall into a vat of something, just ask the Joker, Plastic Man, Clayface, or Henry Kissinger).

            You know how when scientifically referring to degrees of getting it on, we commonly use baseball as a guide (first base, second base, shortstop, guy in the stands selling hot dogs, whatever)?  What about people in those benighted countries without baseball?  Do people there just never talk about this sort of thing?  Or do they use more familiar sports?  I mean, how do you draw comparisons to say, polo (unless of course you really like horses)?  Maybe this is why populations in Europe are declining; they don’t have any good sports to compare stuff like this to.

            Why did they choose to name that magazine Ebony, anyways?  I mean, there are a lot of other sort of dark-colored woods that you could have chosen.  And then Hallmark has that line of greeting cards called Mahogany, but think of all the untapped wood potential (The Untapped Wood Potential, by the way, would make an awesome name for a band).  I for one would read a magazine called Wenge, or possibly Bocote.  And what about white people, don’t we get any xylonamous magazines and greeting cards?  I’d be willing to take out a subscription to, say, Tasmanian Eucalyptus Burl weekly, or send someone a card from a company called Tennessee Cheddar.

            I never shop at Abercrombie & Fitch.  This is party because I spend all my money on van and potato gun components, but also because all the pictures they have on the walls are of naked people.  It just seems weird, like being at a car dealership with a big picture of a guy riding a bike, or going to a video game store and having a picture of a guy on a date with a girl.  But there they are, all over the store, “Sigh, I’m so sexy I wish I were dead.  Pants make me sad, that’s why I don’t wear any,” they seem to say.  What kind of message does that send about having faith in the product you’re selling, if even your spokesmodels would rather be seen naked all over the Regency Square Mall and Battledome rather than wear your clothes.  Personally, I think this is related to the fact that Abercrombie & Fitch (which does at least give me a chance to use that little & key on my computer) used to sell cool stuff, like elephant guns.  One day though, back in the 80s, they realized that elephants can’t even own guns in this country anymore, and they decided to get into selling preppy garb.  Sadly, they were still kind of in elephant mode, and since pachyderms usually go about undressed, all their ad pictures are really big, with naked people cast in an elephantastic sort of gray. 

            Whenever I see the logo from “Friends”, I always wonder what all those periods are between all the letters.  Was “Friends” just not quite as long a word as they were hoping for, prompting the producers to fill it out a bit with unnecessary punctuation?  Would calling the show “A Bunch of People Who Sleep With Each Other and Don’t Have Real Jobs” been too long?  Or maybe “Friends” is actually an acronym of some sort, like the real name of the show was something like, “Franklin Roosevelt is Eating Ninety Dead Squirrels,” or “Fool! Retreat if Einstein Needs Doorknobs Soon!”