There’s a Big Lots near my house, but on the sign, they’ve got an exclamation point right in the middle, so it’s like they’re saying BIG!...lots. I don’t get it; are they ashamed of their lots, or are they just really trying to play up the bigitude of them in order to stand out against all the competition they’ve been getting from other sorts of lots, like Vacant Lots!, and I Used to Live In Gomorrah and Now My Wife is a Pillar of Salt Lots! Maybe they just oughtta have used punctuation check when they were typing their sign.
There’s a candy bar called the “Take 5”. This has got to be the best name ever, but they’re just not taking it far enough. They should make one called something like “Buy a Whole Case of These” or “Just Live off These for the Rest of Your Natural Life,” or maybe “One of These has a Live Panda Inside.” Or, if you wanted to steal some serious flava from the Axe guys (like, the deodorant Axe, not like, Vikings or Dwarves or whatnot), you could just call it “Buy a Bunch of These and Hot Women Will Find You Attractive.” So c’mon Take 5, you just need to try a little harder.
You know how in The Fugitive, Harrison Ford was always chasing after the guy who killed his wife, and all he knew was that he had one arm? Well, what if the guy really just had tucked his arm up into his sleeve or something? He could just forget about anyone tracking him down to exact merciless justice upon him. The lesson here then, is that if you’re ever going to kill Harrison Ford’s wife, just make sure you feign some obvious handicap so he’ll be chasing the wrong guy. I myself would wear say, a chicken on my head and some of those Bigfoot slippers. That way Harrison Ford would always be looking for some kind of Chicken-Headed Petite Sasquatch Man, and I’d be in the clear.
I was out driving the other day, and I was on this road with a whole bunch of churches on it (actually in
You know how in the last episode of Star Trek, Captain Picard kept having all these first episode flashbacks where he’d be hanging out in the future planting grapes and all of a sudden these troll people and mutants would start all shouting at him out of nowhere? Of course you do, and I always wanted that to happen to me too. Well today I was in the hardware store parking lot, and I heard all this shouting and stuff, and the first thing I did was start looking around for troll people, because troll people generally mean that Q is about to put you on trial for the evils of humanity. But it was really freaking me out, cause I kept hearing it but I couldn’t see any troll people. Then I finally saw that there was a school bus nearby, and all the troll kids had just gotten out for the day, but I’m still gonna stay out of the Devron system for a couple of weeks anyway, lest I cause so weird temporal paradox or come down with a case of the Space Crazies.
Speaking of Star Trek, I always hoped that one time, the Enterprise would get hit by a photon torpedo, and Captain Picard would be all calling down to Engineering to see how bad the damage was, and after LeVar Burton told him how the dilithium matrix was all wiggidy wack and everything, he’d say, “But don’t take my word for it, da duh da.” That would just bring everything full circle for me, and the universe would at last make sense.
Did anyone else find it weird that two paragraphs up, when I heard shouting, the first thing I thought of was Star Trek? I did, and I’m sorry.
I used to worry that wearing a wrinkly shirt reflected badly upon me, but then I figured out that shirts are actually a lot like brains, in that the wrinklier yours is, the smarter it means you probably are. Because, you know, you’re spending all your time pondering stuff, instead of ironing.
