There are some things in this world that people are just better for not having too much of. You know, like things that tend to corrupt us, or create terrible monsters or terrible reality shows. Indeed, one can almost imagine the gods themselves sitting down at the dawn of time and making a list of it all, “Hmmm, nuclear weapons, afro picks, molybdenum, pickle relish, plutonium, beef, heroin, we’d better keep a close rein on all that stuff. Right then, on to inventing weasels and whisky sours!” Sadly, there are a few things that somehow either were overlooked, or were invented by minds more ingeniously twisted than the Ancients could ever have imagined, and every now and then some hideous new evil breaks forth by becoming too readily available for public consumption. One such evil, of course, is garden gnomes.
Now before I even begin, I know that many of you must be out there shaking your heads dismissively whilst thinking to yourselves, “Surely, mass garden gnome consumption shall forever be a vice of only the very wealthy, being expensive as they so often are!” Would that you were right, but alas, I fear modern technology has once more unleashed upon an unwary world an evil the likes of which has not been seen since that great pog debacle a while back (The Great Pog Debacle, by the way, would be a most excellent name for a band). For you see, just last week, whilst I was out shopping for crossbow parts, I saw garden gnomes on sale for three for $10 at the hardware store (don’t even bother asking which one, I’m certainly not going to tell you and then be held responsible for imperiling your immortal soul with ageless and unspeakable evils). Think about it, that’s like, $3 a gnome, so even if you’re just earning minimum wage, you could still be bringing in upwards of 80 gnomes a week. And when you start getting into your higher income brackets, it only gets more frightening. What’s that you say? You don’t see how buying thousands of gnomes could ruin your life and/or bring about the very Apocalypse itself? Well then, join me, won’t you, as we embark on a magical little tour of just a few of the veritable plethora of evils that gnomes can visit upon the human race.
First, you could buy like, a thousand of them, and then use a combination of black magic and common household cleaners to turn them into a legion of the damned. You’d start out by sacrificing them all to one of your basic hell-beasts, like Azaroth the Defiler, of Zothriel the Butt-Ugly, or even the rarely attempted Timmy, the Unimpressively Named. Then, once they’re all dead, you turn right around and strike some sort of demonic pact, to bring them all back in some hideous semblance of life to cater to your every evil whim, like some kind of horrible army of zombie death gnomes or something (also, The Zombie Death Gnomes would be just about the best gnome-related band name ever).
Alternately, you could get a few hundred of them and then raise them on nothing but raw hamburger, thereby instilling in them an insatiable thirst for blood. Then, all you’d have to do is sell them back to little old ladies and wait for the inevitable as the ravening gnomes slaughtered untold legions of the elderly. And don’t go thinking that after you figured out what was going on you could just rehabilitate the gnomes to be peaceable again. Nope, once a gnome’s tasted human blood, there’s nothing you can do but set him on fire and whack him with an aluminum baseball bat that’s been blessed by the pope, and should you happen to get one of those store-brand knock-off sanctified baseball bats, it won’t work right, and you’ll just end up with a whole bunch of bloodthirsty and also on fire killer gnomes running around the house clawing at the furniture and opening up little gateways to the underworld, which is kinda cute for the first ten minutes, but then you want to take a nap or fix a waffle and it just gets annoying.
Of course, while a single gnome can be cute; many people make the mistake of buying one from an old Asian man and then ignoring his sage advice and feeding it after
So there you have it, a brief run down of just a few of the horrors of which a man armed with thousands of gnomes it capable (and that’s not even getting into the ecological terrors they can create, as seen in World of Warcraft). So, for the good of humanity, I would hope that each and every one of you out there would take some time this week to go buy and few gnomes, and then throw them off the nearest cliff into the sea, thereby destroying them, and ridding the world of their evil. One can only hope, of course, that any that survive would quickly perish in the depths of the sea, rather than mutating and falling under the sway of Aquaman, who would probably just manage to taint the very oceans with their pointy-hatted eviliciousness.
