Well, here we are again, just three years away from the next Presidential election, and already people are wondering who’s going to get nominated and who, in the fullness of time after Florida’s quadrennial Wacky Voting Misadventure, is going to be running the country for the next four to eight years.  Some of course speculate that Dick Cheney is going to make a go of it, but I happen to have it on good authority that he’s been meaning to spend some quality time at his secret volcano fortress under the sea singing, dancing, capering about, and raising an army of robo-baboons.  Others suspect that John Kerry might try to win it again, but since recent biological studies have found that he is, in fact, an Ent, this seems unlikely as well.  Who then shall lead our great country?  Clearly we need someone possessing great leadership skills, moral clarity, and an uncommon degree of badassitude.  Taking all these things into account, I think there’s really only one possible answer, Mr. T, for any number of reasons which I’m going to expound upon at greater length right now.

            First, he’s compassionate, because he pities the fool.  Now if there’s one thing our country has plenty of these days, its fools, and President Mr. T could mobilize the government as never before to pity all of them more effectively.

            Next, he knows the importance of conserving important nonrenewable fossil fuels and taking less petroleum-intensive forms of transportation, which is of course why he ain’t getting on no plane.  Of course, this might lead some to wonder about what we’re going to do with Air Force One for the next four years, but between renting it out for Harrison Ford movies and bar mitzvahs, I think we should be able to make a pretty tidy profit on it.

            Also, Mr. T cares about kids.  Whether it be drinking milk for good nutrition, staying in school, or growing a Mohawk, Mr. T is the very epitome of all sorts of good qualities that parents all across this great land of ours want to see their kids take to heart, thusly enabling them to make good life choices and beat up Sylvester Stallone.  Yes parents all over can rest assured that their kids would have strong bones, good study skills, and funky hair styles if Mr. T were running things.

            Some people, it has recently been the case, have criticized the President for acting unilaterally.  Not Mr. T though, cause he totally knows how to work with a team.  Like, say his cabinet and Hans Blix were captured by terrorists.  Hans Blix would say something whiny in a foreign language or something, and then Mr. T would just completely ignore his euro-ramblings and build an assault vehicle out of a lawnmower, a roast beef sandwich, and a sack of doorknobs (with the help of Reginald Barclay, the most nervousest starship engineer in the Alpha Quadrant, of course), thereby whomping the terrorists and proving that when your teamwork is good enough, you don’t even have to listen to other people.

            And speaking of terrorists, President Mr. T would be sure to wage a culturally sensitive, yet mercilessly badass war against all those who would blow up our junk.  Just imagine, Osama bin Laden going one on one with Mr. T.  From the second the bell rang until about two seconds later when Mr. T turned him into chunky salsa, it would be like one big metaphor of awesomeness over evil.

            And lest you be concerned that Mr. T might somehow lack the fundamental understanding of economics so necessary to keeping our nation on an even keel, I ask you to look no further than his obvious and blatant support for returning to the gold standard.  Not only would this ensure a low inflation rate for years to come, but it would also certainly make him the most blinged out President since Jimmy “Funkmaster Shizzlemah” Carter.

            And finally, just bear in mind that Mr.T would be the first President since Rutherford B. Hayes to be available in Chia form, for those patriotic yet weird Americans who want a shaggy green little terra cotta idol of their Commander-in-Chief watching over their kitchen sink, just as America watches over the kitchen sink of the world.