The Internet, it goes almost without saying, is pretty darn awesome, embodying, as it does, the very quintessence of all things cool.  Where else, after all, can order a ham from the comfort of their own home or office?  Through what other medium can one watch footage of a beached whale being thrown miles into the air via the ingenuity of our nation’s highway department?  Where else can you go, should you desire to know who would win in a hypothetical battle between Casper Weinberger and Alf?  Indeed, it should come then as no surprise that the Internet was invented right here in America, Land of New Stuff We Made Up.  Though originally envisioned by Alexander Graham Bell, (who actually invented the telephone primarily so that his other invention, the 56k modem would have something to run off of) the 19^th century Internet really turned out to be mostly just good for buying wagon tongues online and posting Chester A. Arthur/X-Men crossover fanfics.  And so the Internet, widely ridiculed as a failure, lay fallow until Al Gore (who originally became stranded on Earth after his soybean-powered time machine conked out over Tennessee) decided to use his awesome powers to make mankind’s most ancient dream of being able to look for naked pictures of Brittany Spears while working at the office come true at last.  In short, the Internet rules.

            Alack, not all is well in Internetland, for now, the most ancient and bitter enemy of all that is good in the world, the United Nations, has decided to try and take over all of cyberspace and use it for their own nefarious ends.  You see, back when he finally perfected the Internet, Al Gore knew that he would not always be there to oversee his creation and that he would have to make special provision that it always be looked after.  So he built a robot to do it, but the robot went haywire, escaped, and proceeded to run for President a few years back.  In desperation, Al Gore gathered up all the monkeys he could find, and herded them into a vast, secret underground bunker far beneath WashingtonD.C.  There they toil ceaselessly, each with his own little monkey powerbook, doling out domain names, flinging poop at one another, and making sure that the people of the world can always Mapquest their way to the nearest Wally World and endless vaults of completely worthless information such as the fact that pumpernickel is German for “fart of Satan.”  Now, secreted away deep within their Fortress of Doom, the U.N. has decided that they want to run the show.

            Now, at first glance, this might seem like a decent enough idea.  After all, one tends to think of the U.N. as kind of being like Captain Planet and the Planeteers, or the Superfriends back in the 70s when they were diverse, yet completely ineffective.  However, the truth becomes all too horribly clear when you think for a moment about the fact that most of the people at the U.N. actually come from other countries.  I mean, when you think about all the most evil men from throughout history, the vast majority of them were, in fact, from other countries too, the same countries that now want to be in charge of the Internet.  To whom exactly am I referring?  Let’s take a closer look at just some of the people and nations who would now have a say in whether or not you’re allowed to set up a website with nothing but pictures of squirrels being sucked through various kitchen appliances:

            Napoleon Bonaparte, whose necromantically animated army of skeleton warriors and Frenchmen swept across continental Europe and kind of Russia, shutting down Internet cafes across much of the civilized world as well as making a necklace out of the iPods of his slain enemies.  Also generally credited with inventing the pop-up ad, Napoleon was from France, a nation which just so happens to be part of the U.N.

            Rasputin, the mad Russian monk, who, in the early 20^th century gained great influence over the court and local area networks of Czar Nicolas through the clever use of those little ads where they say that if you punch the monkey or set Gary Coleman on fire you can win a Playstation 3 (yes, he knew that someday there was going to be a Playstaion 3; that’s just how awesome his dark powers were).  Russia, where Rasputin was from also happens (all too conveniently) to be a part of the U.N.

            Adolf Hitler, who in addition to being a total psycho, is thought by many to have invented adware and, on at least one occasion, hacked President Franklin Eleanor Roosevelt’s Livejournal.  And you know how there’s nothing in Wyoming anymore?  It used to be an earthly paradise, but Hitler turned his giant orbital boringness ray on it and things there haven’t been the same since.  Hitler of course, was from Germany, which, last time I checked, even had it’s own monogrammed parking spot at the U.N.

            Zimbabwe, which really isn’t that evil or anything, but seriously, do they even have the Internet there?  I mean, what if they think it’s some kind of water buffalo or something and pass all these completely inappropriate laws based on such a faulty assumption (Article 7, Subparagraph 18: No Internets shall be allowed to graze in the town square during the festival of the Fall harvest.  Also, when marrying the daughter of a village elder, a young man must present to him a gift of three ISPs and a bushel of gigabytes.).

            What then is to be done?  Well, while most of the battle must be left to our nation’s leaders (Chewbacca, Dick Cheney, and Sarah Michelle Gellar), we can each to our part by traveling to other countries and loudly complaining about what a pain it is to have to look after an Internet all the time.  Or, if you’re not the traveling sort, send letters to foreign countries like Honduras and Vermont, bemoaning how the Internet is always sneaking into your house at night and eating all your goats.  Also, plant a VictoryGarden, because that always works.  There you have it, all we can do now is hope that our leaders do not fail us, and that should the U.N. get their international panties in a bunch about this, we can always just put the Internet in an old shoe box with some holes poked in the lid and stuff it under America’s bed, then just whistle the official No Really I’m Not Doing Anything Suspicious tune and deny that there ever was an Internet in the first place and tell them to send in U.N. inspectors if they don’t believe us.