Some things in life are just so obviously messed up that people tend to forget about how messed up they are.  Like the metric system; it’s clearly a vile and vomitous instrument of the devil, but because it’s all around us, we forget about its insidiously evil influence.  And what about the Olsen twins?  Did you know that they’re not only not identical twins, but one of them is actually a dude (no, really, they did a special episode of Full House about it and everything).  It’s like Hitler once said, “If you’re a freaky enough freak all the freakin’ time, eventually people just stop caring, and I should know, because I’m Hitler.  Heil Frettchen meiner Hosen!”  Which brings me to my real point here: Ronald McDonald and his friends are the freakiest thing ever.  Like, people back in ancient Rome, even after they all started getting really skanky and watching Tivo all the time, still would have been freaked out by Ronald McDonald.  And then they would have fed him to a lion, but that’s beside the point.  What’s that you say?  You don’t see how Ronald and company are such a blight upon the universe?  Well then, let’s embark upon a magical adventure of being totally weirded out.

            For example, take Grimace.  What the heck is he?  He’s big, he’s purple, and despite his name, he usually looks pretty jolly.  Also, he used to have four arms, but now two of them have mysteriously disappeared.  What can explain his inappropriate joviality?  The answer, of course, is that he is in fact, some kind of a hideous gumdrop/verminous hell demon hybrid, spawned from the very pits of Tartarus to wreak unholy havoc upon mankind.  As for his extra arms, clearly he sacrificed them to his dark gods so that all the children of the world might be magically blinded to his overwhelming evil.  Why go to all the trouble of this?  Because clearly Grimace is nothing more than the reincarnation of Ashtaroth, demon of sloth and portliness, bent on raising up his dark realm once more upon the Earth.

            And what about Hamburglar?  Sure, they try to just pass him off as a wacky guy who’s always saying “robble, robble” and trying to steal hamburgers, but aren’t they conveniently forgetting the hideous truth that Mayor McCheese is in fact himself, a big sentient hamburger?  Hamburglar isn’t just looking for a free quarter pounder, he eats people!  Though this opens up all sorts of deeper questions about just what Ronald is trying to tell us by having this cannibal psycho on speed dial, but just think for a moment about how Mayor McCheese must feel every time they all get together to film a commercial.  There he is, trying to play nice with everyone, while all the while, Hamburglar sits there eyeing him that way. You know, that way that people on deserted islands do when they get really hungry and look at the other guy on the island and he looks like a chicken sandwich, only Hamburglar doesn’t even have to imagine to bring his sick dreams to horrible fruition.  Seriously, someone has to tell the world about this, and if Charleton Heston is too busy fighting apes and Egyptians, that leaves it up to me.

            And what about Birdy?  Oh sure, she’s just a big bird (but not the Big Bird) who hangs out with Ronald and his little circus of death, but stop for a moment and think about chicken McNuggets.  I don’t care what anyone says, or how good those things taste, they’re not chicken, and neither is Birdy.  A startling fact which, just a single leap of inductive reasoning later, suggests the inescapable truth that McNuggets are made out of Birdy’s people.  They probably all used to live in some great utopian floating city high above the clouds, passing their days pursuing the arts and pondering the meaning of the universe.  At least they did until Birdy sold them out to Ronald McDonald, who enslaved and butchered them all, saving Birdy alone to live out her life with the knowledge that she alone is responsible for the annihilation of her people.

            Finally, we have Ronald himself.  Let’s start with the obvious questions: how’d he get all white like that?  And how’s his hair get that toxic shade of red going on?  All you really have to do to figure this one out is think about who he looks like, The Joker.  And if Ronald McDonald looks like the Joker, then it must be the case that it’s only because he too was punched into a vat of chemicals by Batman.  Now I’m not going to pretend to know why Batman would punch Ronald McDonald into a vat of chemicals, hideously twisting both his loathsome visage and his demented mind, but seeing as how Batman’s pretty much never wrong, I think it’s safe to assume that he only did it because Ronald was trying to eat s puppy or run Alfred through a wood chipper or something.

            So there you have it, the shocking truth behind a creepy guy that no one really liked before anyway and his band of mutants.  I dunno about y’all, but I’m sticking with Arby’s from here on out (Why not Hardee’s, you may ask?  That, my friends is a question for another day).