Well, here we are once more, at a day kinda, sorta, similar to Fridaycommence!, when I answer all your questions and maybe even a few that you didn’t even ask.  So, let the edification

Q: Ben,
How come, whenever you start looking for something, you have to pee all of the sudden. I mean, you lose your keys, so you start looking, and then, BAM, I gotta go tinkle. You could have just taken a leak 5mins before, but you start searching for something, and it's all gotta come out again. You can try to hold it, thinking that it will only take you a few seconds to locate them keys, but you will never find them until after you pee, and guaranteed, you go and comeback, you will find those keys in a heart beat. So, what gives? ~ Phillipa, Detroit

P.S. Why is it called taking a leak, when you’re really leaving one?

A: Well, Phillipa, that’s a very excellent question, and the answer like the answers to so very many other fine questions related to leaks and the takage thereof, comes to us from none other than the Devil himself, Lucifer (or as the goth kids call him, Lucy).  You see, way going all the way back in the day, the Devil has hated nothing more than when the people of Earth can easily find their car keys.  I mean, where are you going to go once you’ve got those keys?  Church?  Bowling?  To save the city from Alfalfa and the Council of Doom? (Alfalfa & The Council of Doom, by the way, would make a most splendiferous name for a band)  Wherever it is you’re going, the only thing Satan knows is that he can’t take the risk that it’s somewhere that’s going to make people happy.  Now, way back in Biblical times, he used to try and get away with doing a lot more, like the time that Job was looking for his car keys and Satan made a volcano full of fiery pterodactyls come up in his living room.  But God was all like, “Dag, Satan, you’re a tool, I’m not letting you get away with that kind of stuff anymore.”  So now all he can do is make you have to go take a leak, and hope that while you’re in the bathroom you’ll forget all about driving somewhere and saving the city from evil.

P.S. The reason for this goes way back to when the English had first colonized Virginia.  Back then, they brought with them all manner of weird English vegetables; amongst them being the venerable leek.  Now, it just so happened that the laws back then were pretty harsh, and the penalty for answering nature’s call within the city walls was death by monkey stoning.  On the other hand, the penalty for stealing a leek was the comparatively benign punishment of being made to run through the nearest Indian village singing the I’m a Little Teapot Song.  Therefore, when the authorities caught a man taking a whiz in town, the best excuse was to claim that you had, in fact, merely just stolen a leek.  This worked surprisingly often, and soon the phrase entered into the American lexicon of slang.  Over the years, people forget what a leek was in the first place, and the spelling was changed to reflect what was widely believed to be the meaning of the work leek.

Q: What is the more efficient projectile - a monkey with an aerodynamic titanium helmet and Russian spacesuit propelled by the Ben Special LJ1000 crossbow or a flaming flying squirrel with a helmet made of ferrets and weasels propelled by the Rasputin Model A3E4000 catapult?  In a followup question: What are the maximum speeds reached by these two projectiles? ~ Jim Cooke, The Bulgarslayer

A: Well, Senor Jim, the question you ask has plagued mankind since ever it first occurred to him that a helmet could, in fact, be constructed out of various members of the stoat family (genus: stoatus maximus).  As with all things though, the scientific method oft yields up the most bountiful bounty of answers, so let’s break it down and put our logic hats on (and by logic hats, I mean beer helmets).

First, monkeys are generally acknowledged to be among the more aerodynamic of primates, and adding a suitable helmet (i.e. the one from the Rocketeer) and a Russian space suit would only tend to greatly extend his flight time.  Though, being as how it’s a Russian space suit here, he’d have to wait in line for six hours to get it, and by then he’d be drunk off of cheap vodka and Gorbachev Ecto Cooler.  Even taking all these factors into account, I suspect that one could easily, once armed with such a crossbow, put said monkey at least ten inches through a bail of hay at up to 120 yards; which, as all ballistic expertise dudes know, quite strong enough to kill a man (but ph balanced, to kill a woman).

A flaming flying squirrel, on the other hand, would most definitely travel farther, taking into account its vast membranous wings, vicious talons, and being on firetude.  Adding to these advantages the fact that a catapult (a Rasputin A3E4000 no less) would probably let a  flaming flying squirrel, even one encumbered by a weasel/ferret helmet to travel at least a mile before wafting gently again to Earth, where the weasels would doubtlessly gnaw to death any hapless soul beneath them.

Well, I’m off to refill my “logic hat”.  I’d like to apologize for this one taking so long, but the site’s been having some technical difficulties and I’ve only now been able to update