I found out the other day that Walgreen’s is now open 24 hours a day. And that’s cool and all, because now I can buy drugs at three in the morning, legally. But did you ever notice how all the places that are open 24 hours start with “Wa”? Like Wal-Mart, or Waffle House, or even Wawa, and now Walgreen’s? And of course, let’s not forget Waldorf von Walla Walla’s Wanigan World. I suspect that this all has to do with some silly law from the 1790’s where you had to name your store something with “Wa” if you wanted to be open late, and then they just never took it off the books. Either that, or trolls.
I passed vending machine today, and they were selling Deer Park Spring Water. That’s nice, but the sign said “Since 1873.” Now, I don’t know about you, but I have trouble believing that back in 1873 there was much of a market for water that cost a dollar a bottle. Can you imagine some cowperson coming in from a day on the open range, fighting Indians, wrestling rustlers, rooting, tooting, and whatnot, and being like, “Great monkey toads Helga! Get me a bottle of refreshing Deer Park Spring Water!” Me neither.
I was driving along the other day, and I passed a sign from the National Pork Council (no, not Congress, the other one). I however, did not see all the fine print at first, for I was approaching from a mighty distance afar. So all I saw was, “Spaghetti, or MANGO PORK FAJITAS?!” Now it happens to be the case that there are some foods (not to mention people, nations, and some of your lesser deities) which, in spite of all sorts of great qualities, are simply cursed with silly names. I mean, you can’t just go and throw the words “MANGO PORK FAJITAS” right up there in foot-high letters and expect people to take you seriously. It’d be like getting a billboard that said “Samuel J. Tilden, or RUTHERFORD B. HAYES?!” or “
You know how the official I hate breast cancer awareness color is pink? That’s all well and good for the ladies, but what about us guys that hate breast cancer too? I mean, for guys, pink either means, “I’m a big ol’ fruit” or, “I think I’m a gangsta” or possibly, “I’m a big ol’ fruity gangsta” So come on, The American Cancer Society, could you at least meet us halfway on this and go with mauve, or possibly crimson? I’m just saying, you’re making it really tough for us to take a stand on this without taking a serious coolness hit.
You know how on license plates all the letters are slightly raised above the rest of the plate? Why is that, is it so blind people can run after criminal automobiles and get the number too? “That guy just ran a red light! Go get him Helen Keller!” Also, I saw a car from
I was at Panera’s the other day, and they had a big ad promoting their deliverable box lunches. “Order them for board meetings, family get togethers, company picnics, or pow wows” it said. I can only imagine how many Indians are totally happy that now they can forget about cooking for their pow wows and just go hit up some Panera’s. “Thunder Weasel, it almost time for lunch. You go getum big heap box lunches from Panera’s. You take heap wampum, bring back change.” Sorry, Panera’s, while your outreach efforts are a big improvement over your old ad campaigns “Panera’s: Sandwiches for the Master Race!” I don’t think Indians are big into catering like that. Maybe you should try again once you’ve got more buffalo-derived foodstuffs on the menu.
You know Veggie Tales, that show where CGI vegetables teach kids important Biblical lessons about stuff? First, let me say that this makes no sense at all. I mean, do you really want to raise your kids to be more comfortable learning from a bell pepper than a human? Cause then when he gets a bad report card, you’re going to have to dress up like the Flaming Carrot and sing a song just to make him get the message about good study habits. Anyway, I saw that now they’re doing a Veggie Tales Lord of the Rings. If making avocadoes reenact
