In this fast-paced modern globally integrated economic order by which the world runs nowadays, a lot of your more traditional leaders and managers feel somewhat out of their depth. Indeed, is there is one question that simply everyone asks me, it’s probably, "Ben, how on Earth do you do that thing with your feet?" But since that has triflingly little to do with management, I’m gonna skip on down a ways on my Big List of Questions That People Are Always Asking Me, to number 637, "How can I, as the CEO/Dark Overlord/80s Pop Icon of my aspiring evil empire, make certain that I’m running things in the most efficient, merciless, and awesome way possible, while still remaining dedicated to workplace diversity and offering a good healthcare package?" Well, Condoleeza, I’m glad you asked. It just so happens to be the case that in situations such as this, there is no better way to start off than by examining the style of someone who is an acknowledged giant in their field, and then draw the right lessons and apply them to your own small business and/or evil daycare facility. This however, ouldn’t be terribly funny at all, so instead we’re going to go with lessons in management from the very driver of the metaphorical short bus of evil (The Metaphorical Short Bus of Evil, by the way, being a totally awesome name for a band), Cobra Commander himself.

Let’s start out by looking at one of the most important parts of being a good manager, delegation. You see, few things contribute more to your ability to accomplish the most with your time than being able to choose motivaed self-starters to carry out your diabolical machinations. By way of introduction then, let’s have a brief review of the Cobra management team: First, you have Desto, a guy with a metal head, who may or may not be black (much like Bill Cosby’s evil brother, Cosbo). Destro’s a good guy and all, but the fact is, he’s plainly way cooler than Cobra Commander, which tends to make him something of an unsettling influence that we should all be careful to avoid. Next you have the Baroness, who in addition to being totally hot and wearing a awful lot of leather, has a totally sweet Iron Curtain accent and Harry Potter glasses. I cannot stress the importance of making sure that you have at least one such totally hot evil babe on your advisory board. Then of course we get to Doctor Mindbender, who had at least three monocles, and no shirt whatsoever. An important lesson to learn here, is that with the exception of barbarians, cavemen, and Dick Cheney, all your employees should be well shirted at all times. Finally, you have Zartan, who can turn blue and look like some kind of an unholy mix between a smurf, a biker, and a thundercat.

Well, now that you step back and survey your elite leadership team of freaks and mutants, you have to ask yourself, "How would Cobra Commander make them do stuff?" The answer, of course, is to shriek at them in the most ridiculous voice possible on any and all occasions. Evil Scheme of the Day not pan out? Pitch a fit. Coffee maker broken again? Go ahead, go bananas. Someone forget to order more of those little do it yourself cashews from Price Club? Have a total and complete seizure right there in the board room, in front of your big map of the world, Serpentor, the janitor, everyone. It’ll make you seem dangerous and unpredictable, but also reassure your employees that you’re in touch with your emotions and aren’t afraid to be honest.

And how about the actual plans of your corporation? Let’s say, for example, that you’ve decided to become a major player in the ever-lucrative global broccoli industry. A traditional CEO might well formulate a plan involving the acquisition of farms and agricultural contracts, coupled with an aggressive wholesale advertising campaign and competitive pricing. The problem is, this has all been done before, and you’re certainly not going to engage the more talented members of your team by going with such a bland and uninteresting mission. Instead, do it the Cobra Commander way, and formulate a wacky and nigh inconceivably complicated scheme to cull the DNA of mankind’s most learned broccoliologists while simultaneously traveling back in time to when the very first broccoli crawled out of the warm Precambrian Sea that covered 90% of the globe as late as 1973. Then, using all your stolen DNA and some of those cool little flying bubble jet hover thingies, launch a massive assault on the Statue of Liberty in an attempt to turn that venerable monument to the two weeks when we actually got along with France into the world’s largest Chia Pet. Also, make sure you sing that nifty Cobra theme song a lot.

And of course, I should be remiss in my duties here, were I to overlook the importance of brevity and concision in formulating your company mission statement. Far too many folks these days blather on for countless pages about "synergizing quality," "facilitating paradigms," "wearing hats made out of live marsupials" and the like to inspire their employees (or as we like to call them, Protein Resources") with anything but ennui. Consider then, the Cobra mission statement, "Cobra: An Evil Terrorist Organization, Determined to Rule the World." Just look at that, isn’t it marvelous in its simplicity? Everybody who walks into the Terrordrome lobby knows that your company means business. And it works for just about anyone! For instance, "Tyrone’s Used Auto Parts: An Evil Terrorist Organization Determined to Rule the World" or perhaps "Osama’s House of Goat Lovin’: An Evil Terrorist Organization Determined to Rule the World." See how it just trips off the tongue?

And finally, no matter what, make sure you wear a big shiny metal face thing; that way if you sneeze and/or get transformed into a giant snake, the world (and your stockholders) need never know the horror of your secret shame.