Well, here we are again, on a day that, by some stretch of the imagination, could potentially be mistake for Friday.  And since nobody real sent me any questions this week, I’m going to be quoting from my Global Revolutionary Ferret book (it is indeed almost the epitome of foolishness to even bother to point out that Global Revolutionary Ferret would be just about the best name for a band ever, since you, gentle reader, no doubt already figured out the above fact).  This being said, let’s get our Q & A on!

Q: How did President Monroe’s statements reflect a new sense of American confidence in foreign affairs? ~ Gorganar the Desecrator, First Lady of Luxembourg

A: Well, Madame Desecrator, James Monroe (frequently known amongst his homies as “Toad Nostrils McGee”) is known for his great fondness and affinity for doctrines of all kinds.  Indeed, ‘twas he who first proposed the doctrine which we still refer to as the Five Second Rule, as well as the time-honored doctrine of He Who Smelt It having been, in most cases, the same person as He Who Dealt It.  Most often credited to him however, is the eponymous Monroe Doctrine, which wasn’t really all that planned out or anything, so much as it was drunkenly shouted from a balcony during one of George Washington’s totally bitchin’ Founding Fathers Only Spring Break Bashes.  The substance of it, as best we can figure nowadays, is that if any European nations decided to try and steal our New World Flava, then he would personally go and leave a flaming bag of dog poop on France’s front porch.  This was put to the test about two weeks later during the XYZ Affair, when France tried to steal the last three letters of the alphabet.  As promised, Emperor Louie Napoleon XIV woke up the next day to find a dead possum in his bed and the aforementioned fiery poo bag on his doorstep.  Ever since then, our two nations have enjoyed a system of mutually assured taunting, with us occasionally saving them from the Nazis, Otto von Bismarck, Girl Scouts, Haunted Dryer Lint, and any angry bees than get into the car while France is driving to some boutique or another.

Q: Marx and Engels say there have always been class antagonisms.  Why do they believe that the conflict between the bourgeoisie and the proletariat is different from previous class antagonisms? ~ Che Guevara, Underneath that Hamburger Stand That’s Shaped Like A Bulldog

A: Well, Senor Chia Pet, I never really met the bourgeoisie and the proletariat classes, probably because I went to school in Chesterfield rather than Cuba, with you and Ricky Ricardo.  But boy do I ever know about those class antagonisms.  Like back when I was in third grade, our science class (which was totally retarded, by the way) was next door to the music class, and it was one of those big rooms with just one of those You Damn Kids Stop Messing With The Curtain curtains down the middle.  Man, they were always antagonizing our class.  Not that it made any difference since all our teacher ever did was mispronounce the names of sea creatures and give me Oops Slips (the Oops Slip, for those of you so blessed as to enjoy sheltered upbringings, is a little slip given out to those who either forget to do their homework, or eschew it with grim purpose, as a sign of rebellion against their running-dog capitalist oppressors).  Man, I totally hated that class.

Q: What, in Kaspar’s view, made the victory and Blenheim a great one? ~ Doctor Claw, M.D, Northwest Territory

A: Well, Doctor Claw, the first thing we have to remember here is that, being a friendly ghost and whatnot, Kaspar’s views regarding the victory and Blenheim are somewhat liable to be a bit out of the mainstream of general scholarship.  I mean, being dead and all, one imagines that battle holds no terrors that his interminable existence of wandering and solitude have not already taught him.  Secondly, let’s take a look at this so-called “Battle of Blenheim.”  Now, the very word, Blenheim, being interpreted means “Home of the Blintzes,” and blintzes, as we all know, are a harsh mistress indeed (The Harsh Mistress of Blintzes, needless to say, would be a fantabulous name for a band).  As it so happened, the Magyars and the Invisigoths were both jealous to own this fabled realm of blintzes, and as a result, a positive Blintzkrieg ensued, in which many heroes were made, and of which many songs were written, most of them silly.

Q: If I were to turn on the National Geographic channel Sunday night, November 20^th, at 8:00, would I see a special on Jamestown in which you, Ben, get shot in the leg? ~ Louis “Squirrel Nut Zippers” Farrakhan.

A: Why yes, yes you would.