As all ye who count yourself among that most honored of groups, teacupmammoths.com readers, surely already know, this site is a regular font of wisdom, magic, Dick Cheney jokes, monkey allusions, made-up words, and killer robots. However, there are also innumerable neophytes among your hallowed ranks, those new to the mystical ways of the blog, still callow and unfamiliar all the insanely random junk I throw out here on a regular basis. What the, is to be done? Well, it just so happens that amongst the elders of my tribe, there is a thing, an ancient, venerable, and throughly old skool way of passing along the wisdom of countless generations down to those who need to learn a bunch of stuff in a hurry. My people call it a FAQ, whch is of course an acronym for Firebreathing Armadillo Quintessence (but since that makes so sense whatsoever, our elders went and acronymifyied it back n the day). So go and fetch your learnin’ trousers, as we embark upon a magical learnventure of knowledge, as we explore a few of the questions that are frequently asked.
Q: Who is this Dick Cheney fellow? Did you make him up? If so, what up with that?
A: Well, while most of your more ancient tribes know at least tengentially of the Legend of Dick Cheney, his memory is kept uncommonly well by my village (as well as by the Thyrakian Death Honkies of the Zoopdar Nebula, but they’re all tools and we’ll speak no more of their accursed and aeon-blasted race). According to the yeti masters of Nepal, it was Dick Cheney who forged the Sun and the Moon from the engine block of a ‘52 De Soto. To the Amazons, he is known as “El Cheney Grande,” and is believed to travel across the sky each night, in a refrigerator shipping crate full of celestial weasels (The Celestial Weasels, by the way, would be a most excellent name for a band). The people of New Jersey believe that he was te first to discover how to turn deer into corn, which the Indians call “maize”. To learn the canonical teacupmammoths version, simply click here.
Q: And what about all those band names? How’d you get started bandying them all about like some drunken street urchin flinging cats at the bishop?
A: The theory that random stuff that people say can, and ought to be, taken completely out of context and used to name bands is a practice that originated with Dave Barry, who happens to sort of be my muse (except for the fact that he’s a dude, he’s not Greek, he doesn’t usually seem to wear a sun dress, and I’ve never seen him wielding an extinct musical instrument). For purposes of shrine-building however, my de facto muse is, and shall ever be, one of more of the Andrews Sisters.
Q: What about monkeys? And Hitler?
A: If it come down to a fight to the death between monkeys and Hitler, monkey would totally punch him off of a flaming zeppelin.
Q: So, what is a teacup mammoth anyway?
A: The teacup mammoth is a hypothetical household pet for the man on the go in the 21st century. Originally conceived of back when I was still on myspace.com, it was the coolest domain name I could think of that wasn’t already taken. Also, the logo is really damn cute.
Q: What about those Tshirts you were selling? Are they real, or merely mythical, like the Chilean Duck of Paradise and the State of Wyoming?
A: Oh, they’re all too real, and still very much for sale at the funkadelic price of just $9 ($379 Canadian). Also, keep an eye out soon for window stickers, big foam hands, a major motion picture, and our very own teacupmammoths.com U.N. corruption scandal. But wait, there’s more! In the next fiscal year, I hope to acquire Daewoo International, after which point the number of affordably- priced, sweatshop-manufactured in North Korea products ought to really take off.
Q: When you were in college, did you once turn your closet into a winery, much to the delight of all the hippies living in the dorm?
A: Indeed I did.
Q: When’s the Expansion Pack coming out? Any word on the new playable races?
A: Our current target release date is 1st quarter of ‘06 (dates maybe be subject to change in Alaska, Hawaii, and Puerto Rico); the new races will be the Blood Mammoths and the Ditzy Cheerleader Orcs.
Well, there you have it, everything you ever wanted to know about everything else. If you absolutely must use this knowledge for evil, just don’t mention my name to your mom when she’s grounding you. Party on, and good night.
