You know how the main day for Christians is Sunday and the one for Jews is Saturday? Well the one for Muslims is Friday. Which means that while T.G.I Fridays is always awesome, if you’re a Muslim, it’s actually a religious experience.
People always make it sound like elves all live in these giant trees that they’ve carved into some kind of big ethereal ewok city. That’s a dirty, dirty lie though, because a lot of elves can’t afford to live in some big fancy
I was at Sears the other day looking a those little plastic feet you can put on furniture to keep it from scuffing up your floor. Well, it happens to be the case that the Spanish word for “floor protector” is apparently “capuchin.” Clearly, there must be some entomological connection to the famous, beloved, and delicious capuchin monkey. Now, it’s been a while since I took Spanish, but I’m pretty sure that if you translate it all out, our Spanish brethren call it “the monkey of floor protection” (I meanwhile, call The Monkey of Floor Protection the best name for a band I’ve heard all week). My guess is that in your poorer Hispanic countries, they can’t afford all those little plastic furniture feet, so instead they just stick some monkeys at the ends of their table/armoire legs and that keeps them from scratching up the floors. Of course, as we all know from firsthand experience, when you put a large piece of furniture on a monkey, he’s probably gonna raise a bit of a fuss, and probably start throwing poop everywhere. Which brings me to my main point, which is, um, that as awesome as monkeys are, be grateful you don’t live in
Remember how a couple years ago the guy who does Beetle Bailey did that big “Name Our New Character” contest to see what they were gonna call their nerdy IT guy? Well, in the end they named him Gizmo, which seems like a kind of obvious name hardly worth having a contest over, though that is neither here nor there by this point. The thing is, has anyone even seen him for the last like, year? Where’d he go? I was just getting to enjoy his unique brand of dorky military humor. Then it hit me, he’s a nerd, he probably went out and caught a late night snack, and since his name is Gizmo, one suspects that he turned all green and slimy, became evil, and starred in am awesome sequel with Robert Picardo. Let’s just hope they didn’t get him wet or anything.
It seems like everywhere I go these days, they’re selling those totally sweet-looking light sabers that look all extra real and everything. They sound all real and everything too, but that’s completely unnecessary, because it’s been proven clinically impossible to wave a lightsaber around without making lightsaber sounds yourself. This is of course a good thing if all you have to work with is a piece of PVC with some orange duct tape on it, but if you’ve gone and spent a jillion dollars on a nice one, the sounds only make it sound like Darth Vader is fighting a horde of bees, which, if I recall correctly, he did not do in any of the Star Wars films.
When the Narnia movie comes out, I’m gonna go to the midnight show and dress up like Lion-O, or possibly Snarf, and then play it all serious and see if anybody notices. Then after it let’s out and there’s that guy from the news in the parking lot working on his “Look at All The Freaks” story and he interviews me, I’ll act all disappointed that they left Cheetara out of the movie.
Just in case you still had any doubt that Microsoft is run by the Devil, my spellchecker doesn’t believe that Narnia is a real word.
If I were an Indian, I would totally drive a Cherokee, or a Pontiac, or some other car named after me. As it is, I’m just hoping that next year Chrysler finally comes out with their new Honkeyventure. Or, barring that, the new Nissan Crackerspedition.
In
I always wondered about Fred Flintstone, he spent waaaay to much time with his friend Barney and he wore a dress made out of a tiger. I’ll bet that’s why Wilma became a heroin addict in the seventh season.
