It is generally known that there are few lengths to which people will not go in the interest of procuring new fripperies and doo-dahs to impress other people.  Foremost among these frivolities, of course, is the stretch limo.  I mean, what good is taking a regular fancy car and just making it really long?  Unless you’re putting a bowling alley or particle accelerator in there (in which case I say, Bully for You!), its just kind of silly and people will think your compensating for something (like being really bad at finding your car in the parking lot at Wally World).  Therefore, it ought to come as no surprise that there has recently been a rise in the number of novelty limos; because sometimes a way the hell long car just isn’t conspicuous enough.  Indeed, it turns out that at least one Richmond company has made one that’s all full of fish tanks and LCD screen so that while you’re driving along, it’ll feel like you’re under water.

            How many ways is this completely retarded?  I mean, I don’t know if fish get sea sick, but if they do, you’re gonna be spending many a weary hour cleaning up halibut barf from your car.  And what about people who are really afraid of drowning (as opposed, I suppose, to all those people who are absolutely psyched about drowning), riding in that limo would be like riding in King Neptune’s Hellmobile of Death (or, for the less mythically-oriented, Namor’s Aquabuggy).  In fact when you get right down to it, my problem with the fish limo is that in order for it to exist, somebody at a limo design meeting had to say something like this, “Hey, you know how the two things that everybody loves are driving in a really long car and being under the sea?  What if we could make a limo that let people experience both simultaneously!” And then at least half the other guys in the room had to say, “Good idea, Lothar, let’s get right on that one!”  Seriously, the only time your car should be full of fish is when you’re a delivery boy for Captain Chong’s Chinese Market, never when you’re some preppie going to prom, or some kind of a Grey Poupon dude.

            But since the metaphorical underwater limo genie is already out of the bottle, let’s try to make the best of things by coming up with a way to make it suck less (an epic challenge, to be sure, but one which someone has to do).  Now, clearly no matter what you’re going to do here, the limo part is really not completely central to the problem; if you were to go and put a bunch of fish in a Mini Cooper, it would still be just as, if not actually more, stupid than the original fish limo.  And it’s not like you can just keep the limo and fill it up with something else, because a limo full of koalas or Gila monsters would still be pretty silly too.  So how can you make the best of having a really long novelty car that also happens to be theoretically under water?  I think I speak for all of us as well as the honorable spirits of our ancestors when I say that the answer may be summed up in one hyphenated made-up word: Limo-Submarines.

            But wait, before you scoff, hear me out on this one!  You see, limos are already way long, and so are submarines, likewise, they’re already all decorated with the whole Jacques Cousteau motif, so you don’t have to get rid of all your vehicular trout (The Vehicular Trout, by the way, would make a most awesome name for a band).  All you’d really have to do is make sure that the driver dressed up like a Nazi submarine commander, you threw a bunch of those red cage lights in there, and you got one of those submarine sounding things that go “ding!” at regular intervals.  Then you’d just have to take your limo on the hit TV show, “U-Boat My Ride” and have them pimp it out on the outside with some sweet-looking 3^rd Reich ground effects, spinner hubcaps (you know the Nazis were working on them towards the end of the war), and maybe one of those stick-on Teutonic Dashboard Hula Valkyries.  And then you could get some of those shocks that you can control, so when you had to dive, you could make it ride all close to the ground like Mexican submarines do.  It would be so totally sweet, you could just drive around town, pretending to torpedo other cars and stuff, disrupting Allied shipping, looking for the Lost Ark of the Covenant and whatnot (Did it ever strike anyone else as weird that, even though the Nazis hated Jews, they went searching for ancient holy Jewish artifacts?). 

            But look out, because you never know when you’re going to run into a another limo made up to look like an American destroyer, or maybe even some guy driving a Hummer disguised as an entire carrier group (though carrier groups get better gas mileage, I hear).  And they’d start dropping depth charges on you, and you’d take a hit and all your fishtanks would start leaking and you’d have to close off your engine room even though Ensign Fritz was still in there, and then you’d chuck a torpedo at them, or possibly just a barrel full of sauerkraut, and yeah, it would all be totally awesome.

            So, okay Richmond Fish Limo guys, let that be a lesson to you, never build something lame, when you can build something awesome instead.  So if you’ve already got a My Little Pony Limo in the works, you’d better just scrap that sucker now, cause even I can’t save something that uncool.