Well, here we are again, at what I’m going to call Q & A Friday, even though from a technical point of view, it’s probably already Tuesday in Australia.

Q: Who was the better leader – Queen Elizabeth or Papa Smurf? ~ Jim Cooke, Squirrel Lord of Nebulon V.

A: Well, Jim, that’s a very good question, and since it’s the only one that anyone sent me this week, I’m going to cover it in the minutest detail.  First, for all you historical purists out there, I realize that comparing Good Queen Bess to Papa Smurf is rather like comparing ninjas to orangutans; while they’re both awesome, only one ever fought Charleton Heston.  Nonetheless, letting it never be said that Ben Strohm ran away from a silly task, we’re going to recklessly barge ahead anyway and hope that we learn something before millions perish needlessly in my mad quest for such forbidden knowledge.

            First, let’s take a look at the finer qualities of both these great monarchs, starting with Papa Smurf.  Now Papa Smurf, as most of you already know, is in many ways (aside from the obvious similarities of visage) like a tiny, blue Robert E. Lee.  No, really, just look at his beard and his slouch hat and all that, he’s clearly a relation of ol Marse Robert, in some way or another.  Also, it kind of explains why Robert E. Lee never carried a grand General’s tent during the war, preferring as he did to just sleep in a house made out of a mushroom.  Papa Smurf also did a pretty good job of keeping his subjects safe from danger, considering that most of them were completely retarded and incapable of doing anything other that living down to their respective gimmicks (in retrospect, for instance, he probably should have just had Sell Out Your Friends to Gargamel Smurf put to death in the first place, rather that trying to chance him to something harmless like Hair Stylish Smurf, or Vanilla Smurf).

            Queen Elizabeth, one of England’s most popular monarchs ever, was the daughter of the only English King to date to have a song done about him by Herman’s Hermits, and probably had to beat more crazy sisters in order to hold on to the throne than anyone else in history would wasn’t fighting their way through a convent full of psycho death nuns.  She also wore about fifty pounds of white makeup because someone threw acid on her when she was testifying against Lex Luthor, and she was able to hurl lightning bolts from her fingertips like the Emperor in Star Wars.

            Now, to get down to the real historical cock fight that this question fairly begs for, which one was in fact better?  Well, Papa Smurf never decisively defeated the Spanish Armadillo at the Battle of Trafagar, nor did he ever reestablish the Protestant Church in England.  Queen Elizabeth on the other hand, rode around the magical forest on a winged horse (as best we historians can recollect, anyways), nor did she have to put up with Brainy Smurf all the time.  Other than those two minor differences, the respective reigns of the two great leaders would be almost indistinguishable in their great accomplishments.  Almost.  Which brings us to the final deciding question by which all great leaders, fairly or not, must eventually be judged: Did they or did they not allow an evil wizard with a name that sounds like a mouthwash to eat most of their subjects?  While Papa Smurf had many close calls with Gargamel on this count, it nonetheless remains true that he always managed to rescue his little blue homies in the nick of time.  Queen Elizabeth, unfortunately, cannot make the same boast, since in 1579 Listeror the Necromancer devoured the greater part of Northumberland and a few of the more succulent citizens of Lancashire.  By this test, therefore, Papa Smurf is clearly the victor, and to him we must grant the title, “Better Leader between Queen Elizabeth and Papa Smurf.”