It is a well-known and generally accepted fact that the Confederacy invented the first successful military submarine (successful anyways in that it sank a ship in combat, it then proceeded to sink itself with all hands aboard).  Comparatively less known is the legend that Confederate rocket scientists in 1865 built a primitive yet ingenious two stage rocket and fired it at Washington DC, from Richmond (this historic event has, over the years, mutated into the annual Dogwood Dell 4^th of July fireworks show and traffic jamboree).  And of course, the Confederates were the first to successfully build an ironclad battleship, which was totally awesome and beat up a whole bunch of stuff.  So, in short, it has long been acknowledged that the good old C.S.A. came up with some pretty snazzy stuff back then, much of which ended up playing a major part in the gentle art of blowing stuff up even to this very day.  What is less known however, is that Confederate ingenuity was not in the least restricted to missiles, submarines, and battleships, but rather spanned a mind-boggling array of other secret projects as well.  Indeed, this fact was completely unknown until last week I found Jefferson Davis’ Secret Grimoire of Dixie Doom down amongst my grandmother’s cookbooks.  Join me now, as we go on a fantastical journey through the history of Southern invention, as we look at just a few of the awesome things developed during the famous War for the Suppression of Yankee Arrogance (as we are wont to call it, hereabouts).

            General Stonewall Jackson, for instance, took a great interest in the potential military applications of flight during the early years of the war, and working with the Scots-Irish regiments which made up much of his command, he had, by 1862, made incredible progress in the fields of powered flight and electromagnetic field manipulation.  Indeed, by 1863, his first prototype was nearing completion, though in an ironic twist of fate, it was not finished until the eve of Jackson’s fatal wounding at Yellow Tavern.  Tests of the experimental invisible jet plane by his troops proved it to be an astounding success, but with Stonewall Jackson dead, there was no commanding officer to fund further development of this radical new weapon.  Heartbroken, his troops could think of nothing more fitting than entrusting the plane to Jackson’s infant daughter, Stonewallina Jackson.  Years passed, and one day Stonewallina learnt of her inheritance.  Knowing that she must use this invisible jet to do good, but also aware that her father’s name would forever be shrouded in controversy, Stonewallina changed her name to Wonder Woman and took her fight against evil to the skies, as she continues to do to this very day.

            Next we come to General J.E.B. Stuart, who experimented in the early days of the war, with inventing ways to grow a big, fluffy, pirate beard.  After meeting with great initial success however, all the other generals told him that it was silly plan and a pirate beard wouldn’t really help stop the Yankees anyway.  It was then that Stuart struck upon the real idea that would earn him a place in the annals of history: robot monkeys.  Using only the most brilliant steam engineers, mechanists, and monkeyologists in the South, Stuart worked tirelessly in his funky underground laboratory.  Though he dealt with many early setbacks (including the time one of his robo-monkeys got loose and carried Varina Davis to the roof of the Capitol), he eventually developed a steam-powered robo-monkey capable of pelting union troops with synthetic monkey poop from over 60 yards away with deadly accuracy.  Alas, much like Jackson, Stuart met an early and unfortunate end, leaving his project to languish in the catacombs of Richmond until years later, when a young Dick Cheney stumbled upon his abandoned lab and robo-monkey prototypes, which he has made the fullest use of throughout his career as an intergalactic warlord and Twister player.

            Then of course, we have General George Pickett, who had graduated last in his class at West Point due to his many late nights studying theoretical temporal dynamics.  He realized that, outgunned and outmanned as the Confederacy was, the only place to go for reinforcements was back in time itself.  Using a mixture of Funky Aztec Voodoo Mojo Magic and old cotton gin parts, Pickett had soon cobbled together an improbable, but fully operational, time machine, capable of taking him to any point in the past that he wished.  Soon he had raided all the ages of human civilization, gathering an unstoppable force of Vikings, Roman Centurions, Mongol Warriors, Some Really Angry Cavemen, and Keanu Reeves.  He brought this awesome army Northward with him, as the Confederates fought the Battle of Gettysburg, and by the third day, his force was mustered and poised to strike.  Alas, at the last moment, an unfortunate hiccup in the space-time continuum returned his mighty horde to their rightful places in history, leaving Pickett to go down in defeat.

            Finally, we get to General Robert E. Lee, Commander of the Army of Northern Virginia, and inventor of mankind’s first atomic bomb.  For you see, whilst one day idly wondering whether anyone would ever name a car after him, Einstein’s Theory of Relativity, knocked loose from it’s proper place in the cosmos by General Pickett’s careless temporal shenanigans, smacked him square in the head, opening up totally bitchin’ new vistas of scientific achievement.  After consulting with his crack team of alchemists, General Lee soon realized that by combining his Philosopher’s Stone with enough old shoes, he could create more than enough weapons-grade plutonium to build a bomb that could change the course of the war in an instant.  Alas, the South was even then in the very midst of a shoe shortage of Biblical proportions, prompting him to lead his armies Northward to Gettysburg, where the Union Army kept a Big ol’ Heap o’ Shoes.  Though the battle went badly for Lee, he had the rest of the war to gather substitute ingredients, and by the end of 1864, he had created his nuclear weapon of doom.  Before he could use it, however, the war ended, and it became clear to Lee that to use the bomb now would only serve to bring more needless suffering upon his beloved state of Virginia.  So, unbeknownst to anyone else, he sequestered his untested bomb beneath RichmondCity Hall, where it was to remain forever.  Unfortunately, in later years the bomb started leaking al sorts of toxic evil, and rendering the city council above chronically retarded.

            So there you have it, just a few of the many brilliant and diabolically clever devices conceived of by the keen Southern minds of various and sundry generals of the Confederacy.  Remember to never under any circumstances whatsoever try to build any of them at home, unless they turn out really cool and I’m allowed to come over and watch.