With the recent success of such epic films as Passion of the Christ, Lord of the Rings, and the release of C.S. Lewis’s beloved children’s story of Christian allegory, King Kong, it can come as no surprise that Hollywood is looking with new earnestness and unbridled avarice at overtly religious movies. Unfortunately, most of the stories worth telling have already been done by Charleton Heston (such as the Ten Commandments, Ben-Hur, and Planet of the Apes Saves Christmas). Therefore I offer up, in true Hollywood fashion, a number of cinematic notions which I believe would be just the thing for the theologically-minded movie-goer of toady, while at the same time not descending into the festival of sucky hackitude like Armageddon did, departing almost completely, as it did, from the Book of Revelations (except for that bit about the space shuttle that they kept in).

First, since if there’s one thing that always brings down the house and sends a crowd home feeling that all is right in the world, it’s watching Egypt get their ass handed to them, it’s time for "The Eleven Commandments." Young Moses (Brendan Frasier) learns of his Hebrew heritage, and soon sets out to deliver his people from bondage. But what kind of wacky shenanigans get going when his brother Aaron (Chris Tucker) shows up and brings his own brand of in-your-face blackitude to everyone’s favorite exodus? Can his life in the hood help him to get his people let go? Will the Egyptians, led by Pharaoh Ramses (Ellen Degeneres) back down in the face of old favorites like the blotting out of the Sun (Rosie O’Donnell) and the new, CGI-enhanced plagues, like the plague of retards (Aston Kutcher)? Will Moses learn not to touch the radio on his brother’s golden calf? Thou shalt tune in this holiday season and find out!

And watch this Summer as worlds collide in "Abraham Meets the Jetsons!" Badass monster truck driver Abraham (Christopher Walken) and his smart ‘n sassy wife Sarah (Christopher Walken) are the founders of the Israelite race, but what happens when a wacky rift in the space-time continuum catapults them forward into whatever stupid century the Jetson’s are supposed to live in anyway (I want to say, the 19^th, but I’m sure that’s not it)? Will Abraham get George (Tim Allen) fired from Spacely Sprockets? Will Jane (Pope Benedict XVI) and Sarah go on a musical shopping montage where they try on lots of funny hats and drink expensive future coffees grown in Neo-South America? Will Elroy (Mickey Rooney) have to be sacrificed to appease the wrath of a vengeful god? I’m certainly not going to tell you, because it’s clearly a dreadful enough idea that you probably aren’t going watch it anyway, and if I spoil the ending now, you’ll only go out and see "The Care Bears vs. Gorbachev" instead.

Make sure you don’t miss the musical hit of the season though, when bumbling cops David and Goliath (Gary Coleman and Rick Moranis) have to put aside their differences and find some Rich Lady’s (Sigourney Weaver) annoying little yippy dog (Matt Damon). Can the two of them solve the case while also winning back David’s estranged wife (Queen Elizabeth II) and patching things up between Goliath and his father (Morgan Freeman)? Will David win the Crazy Rich Lady’s heart? And make sure you don’t miss the uproariously uproarious scene where our two protagonists accidentally pick the wrong bar in Sodom. It’s a recipe for wackiness in "Honey I Smote the Apostates" (with new soundtrack by Elton John).

And finally, it’s the sure-fire hit romantic comedy of the year. He’s an escaped government cyborg raising a precocious youngster; she’s an Israelite princess and kung fu master. Together, they’re King Ahasuerus of Persia and Esther (Meg Ryan). Can Ahasuerus’s son Destro (Robin Williams) bring the two of them together? Can Esther fall in love while keeping the wicked Haman (Zombie Gregory Peck) from committing genocide on her people? Camp out in front of the theatre like a complete doofus now, for your tickets to, "Sleepless in Shushan!"