Merry Christmas y’all, I hope everyone is having a totally awesome Christmas thus far, firmly ensconced amongst in some cozy home or another in spirit if not if not in actual physical form. Now this being Christmas and all, I thought I’d go and take the classical route by going all Biblical and doing the Christmas story, in proper teacupmammoths style. So sit back, stop playing your Xbox 360 (or your Xbox 359, for the less fortunate among you), a grab a nice refreshing novelty tumbler of one of the finer sorts of nog presently on the market, as we bust out some New Testament flava.

Way back in the day, Joseph and his espoused wife, Mary, who was totally about to have a kid, had to go to Bethlehem (not the one in Pennsylvania though, it wasn’t founded until like, 150 years after all this) to file their taxes with the Roman Empire IRS. Usually they just did it online like everybody else, but Roma Empire government tech support was almost as bad as ours these days, and so they had to go on down to the main office and straighten stuff out. "Dag, yo," quoth Mary, "it’s almost Christmas, traffic’s gonna be crazy!" Joseph, who never gets any lines at all, mutely agreed, so instead of taking their Subaru Outback, they just loaded all their stuff up on their magical talking donkey, and set out for the Holy Land.

When they got there though, they found that there was no space in any of the various fine Bethlehem Metro Area motels and Bed & Breakfasts. Finally, they found a Hampton Inn, which was also full up because they had complementary Biblical crullers there (and the Biblical Crullers would be a most triumphant name for a band). Fortunately, the kindly innkeeper ,Dick Cheney, was willing to help them out a bit. "Sorry we’re all full up right now," said the Vice-President, "but there’s a big Anime convention in town and all those guys kinda scare me so I can’t kick them out or anything." "Okay," said Joseph "I wondered why we passed like, fifty guys dressed up like Inu Yasha on the way into town. Also, this is my only line in the whole story, I certain hope they don’t end up cutting that part out where I fight all those ninjas." "It’s all good though," replied Senor Cheney, "because I just so happen to have an undisclosed location available that I can totally let y’all have for the night, at least until some of these freaks leave and I can hook you up with an executive suite with a minibar and stuff." "Word up," said Joseph, who’s ninja fight scene did indeed end up getting cut from the final version. And with that, they headed on out to the barn.

While they were there, Mary went ahead and had her baby, and since barns are generally not known for their exemplary nursery facilities, she went and wrapped him up in some swaddling cloths and put Baby Jesus in the manger, which, because he was all hardcore and stuff, didn’t really bother him. Joseph wanted name the baby Horatio Hufnagel, after his grandmother, but Mary, who is not all over Roman-Catholic screensavers and whatnot to this very day without good reason, shot that idea down straight off, because she knew that it was a dippy name, and Jesus fits a whole lot better in Christmas carols. Also, an angel showed up and was all hovering around, being radiant and stuff, and all the animals could talk (except for the cow, because as anyone can tell you, cows do nothing but swear the air blue and Mary and Joseph were planning on raising Jesus in a swearing cow-free environment). After a while though, the whole flying around, being radiant thing got a bit old, so the angel went out to get himself a coffee at Sheetz.

There wasn’t a Sheetz in Bethlehem though, just a Wawa, and since the angel didn’t exactly feel like settling for less, he just lit out for the next town over. While temporarily landing however, in order to scrape all he bugs off his flight goggles, he ran into a bunch of monkey wranglers, who were out wrangling their monkeys by night and regaling each other with Parick Stewart impressions. "Dudes," saith the angel, "First, freak ye not out, I don’t bite, and I’m not gonna smite you or nothing. I just thought you might like to know that unto you is born this night in the city of David, a savior, so if you want to go hang out and ern yourselves a spot in creche scenes forevermore, hie ye hence and if anyone asks, just tell ‘em Bob sent you!" (It being the case that all angels not otherwise explicitly labeled, may be referred to properly as Bob, even in the most polite and formal of social circles).

Meanwhile, off in the Orient, three wise men were wisely avoiding their mother-in-laws by hanging out at the bowling alley. All of a sudden though, one of them got a text message from Bob, saying unto them, "Hey guys, we’re having a bit of a party for Baby Jesus over in the East Side, why don’t y’all come on over for a spell? P.S, we’ve got Doritos." Now the wise men, whose names were Mr. T, Batman, and Harry S Truman, all thought that this was a capital idea, so they saddled up their funky, pimped out two hump racing camels (with ground effects and those shocks that make them jump and stuff and all that) and headed off on a random late night yuletide road trip. On the way out though, Harry S Truman wisely pointed out that they should get some presents, so as not to just show up and be a bunch of Johnny-come-lately Dorito moochers. So they pulled in at the first Wal-Mart they passed and found to their dismay that, being as how this was the first Christmas ever, there wasn’t a whole lot of selection, present-wise. They were however, extremely glad that their wives weren’t there, since they knew that they’d have wanted to get Baby Jesus stuff like Halloween costumes that look like fruit, and tiny little boots he’d never wear anyway. Instead, Mr. T got him some badass gold chains, to symbolize badassitude and help to pay Jesus’s way through college later on. Batman got some myrrh, which isn’t really something that most kids want these days, but he said he had really loved it when he was a little tyke himself, and the other two didn’t feel like fighting about it. Harry Truman got him some Frankenberries, because marshmallow-based breakfast cereals are like Christianity, people who don’t like them go around pretending that they’re all extra grown up and stuff, but really they make life all sorts of more flavorlicious.

While they were following a conveniently appointed giant mapquest star to Bethlehem though, the three of them ran into King Herod, who for our purposes, will be played by Osama bin Laden. "Greetings, my infidel friends!" Said he, "Might you three blokes happen to be off on your way to see Baby Jesus tonight?" "Whoa, that’s creepy! Yeah, we are," said Harry Truman, who was in truth, very freaked out by this. "Good, good," said Herod, "I don’t suppose you guys could tell me where he is, because I too want to go and horribly murder, um, I mean, buy him a bed shaped like a race car." Batman however had gotten another angelic text message informing him of Herod’s true intentions, so he cleverly foisted a ruse off upon him. "Why certainly, said Batwiseman, Baby Jesus is um, right over yonder, in, um, City I Just Made Upsville; just head directly away from that big magical star in the sky, you can’t miss it." "Whoa, thanks," said Herod, "I’ll go see him directly. Also, I do hope than in the extended director’s cut of the Bible, I don’t get eaten by a giant sand worm later on." So the wise men went off along on their way, secure in the knowledge that Mr. T had already downloaded the director’s cut off the Internet and that whole thing with the sand worm so totally does happen later on.

Eventually, they found their way to Bethlehem, just as the monkey wranglers, the angel with his coffee, Dick Cheney, and a guy in a very distinctive red suit were arriving. So they all had a good old time, all going on about how Baby Jess was cute as a button and giving out presents and stuff, and while in the process someone did end up mooching all the Doritos, a good time was had by all, especially after they all got some music going on and sang themselves a few Jesus chanties. The angel then proceeded to settle on top of a conveniently located indoor spruce tree, and say a few brief words about how this really was a pretty epic day, and things were gonna change soon, and Joseph, please stop whinging about your stupid fight scene with the ninjas, peace on Earth, good will towards men.

And so the camera slowly panned back from the manger in which Baby Jesus lay, back until you’re just kind of looking at the whole scene from afar off with the star way up above, and then the score cuts in with that Silent Night Charlie Brown version that always sounds really cool at poignant moments such as this. So merry Christmas, and of course, party on.