Okay, sorry I've been slackin' it with the blog these past few days, first there were technical difficulties (arg) and then there was romance (ooh), but at last, the long-awaited entry is here; I give you, the teacup mammoth article:

We, amongst all the generations of the human race, are so very privileged as to live in this uniquely awesome age.  How, you may ask?  Well, it happens to be the case that modern cutting-edge technology, ridiculous fashions, and man’s insatiable lust for dominion over God’s creation are at last on the very brink of creating what is quite possibly the most awesome thing in the universe: the teacup mammoth.  What, you may ask, is the teacup mammoth?  Therein lies a tale to be told indeed.  First, let’s take a look at the scientific side of things. 

            Jurassic Park technology has been a dream of humanity since many distant ages past, back in the early 90’s.  Alas, with relatively few ambered mosquitoes and with tyranno-jerky in such short supply, it becomes problematic at best if we want to create a monstrosity of science that can go awry and try to kill Jeff Goldblum.  But what manner of prehistoric beast do we have plenty of DNA from?  No, not Teddy Kennedy.  In fact, it is the common garden-variety wooly mammoth.  Yes, thanks to the greenhouse effect, wooly mammoths have been thawing out all over the friggin’ place, supplying us with a more than ample supply of wooly mammoth DNA (go ahead and look under your sofa cushions, I’ll bet there’s at least one mammoth under there).  Indeed, scientists now predict that we could have a prototype mammoth up and running within a decade, with consumer mammoths soon to follow.

            Next, we have the coming perfection of glow-monkey technology.  As it’s name implies, glow-monkey technology allowed us to cross the DNA from monkeys and glowsticks to creat a monkey which glows in the dark.  This is of course, even apart from our greater topic this evening, a sizeable breakthrough in itself, as I am sure that both of my regular readers will agree that monkeys’ primary shortcoming up until this point has been their lack of organic phosphorescence.  Scientists (and your mom) predict that soon we will possess the ability to make other creatures like orangutans, water buffalo and Oprah Winfrey also bioluminescent, ushering a brave new world of freaky crap that lights up.

            Next, we come to the lamentable fashion of the teacup poodle (The Lamentable Fashion of the Teacup Poodle, by the way, would be a totally sweet name for a band).  For those of you who know it not, it has become quite the thing for women with more money than sense to get these tiny little mutant pillow dogs that they then carry around in their purses when they go to the local lah-de-dah ritzy mall (Your city doesn’t have one, you say?  Haha, Richmond has two, each more unnecessary than the other).  No, seriously, they’re these already tiny dogs that have been specially bred to be even more useless than your better know varieties of useless tiny dogs.  Why, a teacup poodle is so tiny that the shockwaves in the air created by the beating of the wings of a passing luna moth could crush its tiny skull like a wet paper bag full of soggy cheerios.

Finally, we have man’s unending desire to control all life (just like Christopher Lee).  This callous disregard for the decent course of nature has long driven mankind to create all manner of unnatural abominations, like low-fat Oreos, the metric system, and reality TV.

            So let us say then, that we use Jurassic Park technology to create new mammoths, then, let us suppose that we use glow-monkey lore to create glow mammoths.  Now, I know what you’re thinking, “Ben, people these days just don’t have the space to take care of a full-sized mammoth!” Fear not, for thanks to the judicious application of teacup poodle methods, we can at last create (ta daa!) the teacup mammoth.  Yes, tired of those bulky old-fashioned mammoths taking up all your real estate?  Mammoth fuel costs eating you alive?  Having trouble flushing them down the toilet when one of the bites it?  Those days, gentle reader, are gone, thanks to the immanent arrival of the teacup glow mammoth, the mammoth for today’s person on the go.

            But say you’re a bit more traditional in your mammoth needs, and though a full-size mammoth is out of the question, you don’t feel comfortable driving a flimsy little compact mammoth.  No problem, because it’s only a matter of time before they perfect a glow mammoth the size of say, a golden retriever.  Ah yes, imagine how delightful it will be for the whole family to get home and here your little glow mammoth gaily trumpeting on the other side of the door, eagerly awaiting his master’s return.  How about when he brings you your slippers in the evening?  Or when he playfully charges you under the table at dinner time.  And, with the glow mammoth, you need never again worry about falling over the tinkertoys or the meth lab as you make your way to the bathroom at night.  Nope, putting out more light than a jar full of angry lightning bugs, a glow mammoth will make your house safer for you and your loved ones.

            So write your congressbeing today, and tell them to vote for more money for totally sweet teacup mammoth research; it’s not just awesome, it’s American.