We all have heroes, and I am no different from anyone else, in that respect, save for the fact that all my heroes are weird and don’t make any sense to normal people.  It will therefore come to most of you as no surprise whatsoever, that high on the list of people who changed my life is, (drum roll………) Skeletor.  Yes, Most kids probably wanted to be firemen of ninjas or dinosaurs when they were little (or fiery dinoninjas) (which would make a totally sweet name for a band), but me, I wanted to be like Skeletor.  What made him so cool, you ask?  Well, for one thing, he had a skull for a head (most of us do really, come to think of it, he was just more obvious about it, I suppose) he beat a lot of stuff up, and he taught me all sorts of invaluable life lessons.  Insert segue here, here are a few of them:

            First, he was determined and dedicated to his life’s work, getting into Castle Greyskull, so that he could gain access to its many secrets.  We never found out what these secrets were, but since everything else that Skeletor ever did made perfect sense, I’m sure these secrets were totally sweet, and would, had he ever have gotten ahold of them, easily allowed him to dominate Eternia (which, by the way, was really just a metaphor for Richmond, like Narnia was for England, or like Hell for New Jersey).  As it was though, he never really succeeded, even though he summoned innumerable monsters, and once dressed up as a fat Italian chef (this one almost worked, actually).  So yeah, next time you feel like giving up, ask yourself, WWSD?

            Next, he didn’t let the fact that he was (like so many of us) surrounded by retards get him down.  In fact, most of his band of henchmen also had homoerotic names, like Beast Man, and, um well, actually it was mostly the good guys who had insanely fruity names, but still Beast Man was always hitting on Skeletor, making it that much tougher to capture the secrets of Castle Greyskull.  But did he ever let it get him down when Webstor got his butt handed to him by Ram Man for the umpteenth time in a row?  Nope, he’d just shoot some evil at Trap Jaw and then go make out with Evil-Lyn for a while.  There’s a moral in there somewhere, but it’s probably a silly one anyways, so don’t look too hard.

            He had a totally sweet voice, and laughed all the freakin’ time.  Now, a lot of you out there probably also have pretty awesome voices as well, but stop for just a moment and shout the following phrase, “Soon, Randor, the Trousers of Power will me mine! Hahahahaha!!!” Did that sound awesome?  If not, it’s probably because you don’t have the Skeletor voice.  It’s worth perfecting though; I use it all the time at work and it never fails to get me what I want.  As for the laughing, just think about it for a moment; he had a skull for a face, always had to wear purple, and he lived in a mountain full of retards.  But he was still able to laugh at life’s little ironies.  Try to remember that, won’t you, next time some triflin’ little thing gets you down.

            He was mysterious.  Yes, even though pretty much everyone in Eternia was completely freaky looking (again, just like Richmond) as a child I was always convinced that Skeletor had some uniquely awesome origin.  Was he burned by acid, like Two-Face?  Was he part armadillo, like Hillary Clinton?  Was he He-Man’s real father, like Herbert Hoover?  I never could figure it out, but that made him all the more of an enigma.  As such, I knew from my earliest days that in order to be, like Skeletor, I too must strive to acquire such an aura of mystery, a quest which I think I’ve done admirably well at over the years.

            Finally, he had a heart of gold.  Yes, even though he spent countless hours trying to figure out a way to rip through He-Man as easily as a hungry gorilla rips through a bag of kittens, he still, deep down inside, knew the true meaning of Christmas and once saved an alien space-puppy from a hideous and nameless evil.

            So remember, even if you’re ugly, shrill, surrounded by retards, and constantly defeated by a half-naked guy with a really good tan, keep on truckin’, it’ll pay off eventually.  I know that really applies to most of us, and especially to Al Gore, so take heart, and know that the some day, the secrets of Castle Greyskull may be yours as well (secrets void where prohibited, Castle Greyskull not available in all areas).