Colin Powell.  Much like Raymond, everybody loves him (except for Dick Cheney, but more on that later).  Whether as a statesman, breakdancer, chief stockholder in Aunt Jemima International, or just a guy who hangs out along Midlothian Turnpike, punching all the people in PT Cruisers who’s license plates point out that they’re in a PT Cruiser (PT CRZN), Colin Powell is truly one of America’s greatest heroes.  But have you ever stopped to consider another great American to whom he bears an altogether uncanny resemblance?  I am of course talking about Mr. Spock (don’t even try to pretend like you never noticed how much alike they are before).  Seriously though, let’s take a closer look at the ways that Colin Powell is like everybody’s favorite Vulcan (not that T’pol isn’t a pretty cool Vulcan too, though don’t even get me started on Tupac).

            First, he’s always level-headed and logical.  For instance, once a horta got loose in the White House, and it was eating all these tunnels in the walls, and waking everybody up in the middle of the night by pretending to play maracas with the desiccated legumes down in the fallout shelter.  Condoleeza Rice wanted to go and blast it with her Type III Phaser Rifle, but Colin Powell just went down to the basement and did a mind meld with it.  In the end, it turned out that the horta was really just angry because it’s weird alien horta state wasn’t getting the representation in government that it deserved.  Thanks to Colin Powell though, we now recognize at last, the first state populated entirely by silicon-based subterranean lifeforms (Florida).

            Like Mr. Spock, Colin Powell is half human and half Vulcan, which means that he is forever torn between two worlds and two peoples (this has been a constant bone of contention between him and his parents, Sprazxx and Betty Powell).  Usually this isn’t a problem, but occasionally, like the time the entire Cabinet got “space drunk” (or as we call it on this planet, just regular drunk) and he lost control of his emotions and started running around the White House shirtless, pretending to be Errol Flynn and generally acting goofier than is common, much to the amusement of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

            Then the was that time that Colin Powell was suddenly seized by that every seven years mating urge thing that happens to him, and he had to return to his home planet and fight a battle to the death with Dick Cheney for the amusement of some plastic glow-brains under a big clear dome (500 quatloos on the bald one!)  Eventually, with a little timely help from Donald Rumsfeld, Dick Cheney faked his own death and the honor of the Powell house was preserved, but it was still pretty cool.

            And who can forget the time that the Capitol was going to be destroyed by the Romulans, and Colin Powell had to climb through a Jeffries Tube and repair the warp core before it blew up and killed them all.  Even though the radiation in there would have been fatal to a human, Colin Powell still managed to get the warp drive back online in time to whisk the heart of our nation’s legislative branch out of the mutara nebula and back to DC.  Of course, in the end, even Colin Powell couldn’t survive in the warp core, but after he had wisely passed his katra on to Donald Rumsfeld (you should’ve seen the look on his face when he tried to death-grip John Kerry the next day), and after lots of wacky hijinks and shenanigans they finally revived him on the Genesis Planet, and Colin Powell once again was at the proverbial science station of our nation’s government.

            Then there was that one time right after that where they all had to go back to the 80’s to get some sweet delicious whales for a White House cookout they were planning.  Only because he’d just come back from the dead, Colin Powell still wasn’t exactly himself, and ended up telling Nancy Reagan that they were not, the Hell, her whales, as well as getting involved in a wacky car chase through Moscow after accidentally mistaking Gorbachev for a small humpback.  In the end though, he managed to make it through and came back to the present with a bunch of succulent, tasty whales, as well as a tanker full of A1 sauce to go with them.  Boy, did PETA ever go crazy when they heard about that one!

            And who can forget that time when all those androids from space were trying to invade America, and they wanted to make everyone completely dependant on the Government for everything they needed in life?  Who could resist such a seductive promise of easy, effortless living?  Why, Colin Powell, of course.  He single-handedly out logicked them, by pointing out that Canada is, in fact, totally lame like that already, and we don’t want to end up like that.  In the end, the menace was no more, and the evil androids gave up and went over to Europe, where they’re plan to rob mankind of all dignity and reason for existence is well underway.

            So, in brief, know ye that not only is Colin Powell a credit to our great nation, but also to Vulcans everywhere.  And remember: Live long, and prosper.