We can all, I believe, use a good discussion on the true nature of Adam Smith’s groundbreaking work, The Wealth of Nations. This work of literature and economic theory, wildly popular and influential in it’s day, laid the cornerstone for the modern economic model of capitalism, making possible the high standard of living that all of us who don’t live in Canada enjoy on a daily basis. Indeed, a solid understanding and sound appreciation of the importance of Smith’s work is probably one of the things most sorely needed by the American public today. However, that would be really boring to read about, so instead I’m going to make fun of He-Man characters. Today, I’m gonna tackle the good guys.
First, there was Orko (Full Disclosure: when I was about seven years old, I dressed up as Orko for Halloween. I was, most scientists now agree, as cute as a button). Orko, like so many of us, was from a parallel dimension, where, one supposes, his awesome talents in the field of messing stuff up were a thing highly revered by the rest of his tribe. In Eternia however, he was clearly the most useless of the good guys. One supposes, in fact, that it was really just some sort of affirmative action/Eternians with Disabilities Act that even made them keep him around, assuming of course, that it wasn’t just that King Randor had a crush on him (Orko, however, was really far too infatuated with Cringer to ever notice this, and so the King’s love remained unrequited).
Man-at-Arms, in addition to being one of the many fruitily-named characters, was the faithful family retainer of the royal family. He wore green tights, had a superhuman ability to notice the blindingly obvious things in life (“Look, Skeletor is trying to get into Castle Greyskull!!”) and wore a brilliantly designed breastplate with a big feeding-trough thing on the front of it. One assumes that he designed it himself so that not only would short people be unable to punch him in the face unless they stood on a chair first, but also so that he could eat a gallon of oatmeal while driving to work in the morning, without having to use his hands, one of which could turn into a gun. He loved the Village People, and paid homage to his favorite one, the construction worker, by wearing a helmet.
Teela was Man-at-Arms daughter. She was actually adopted, as most of us kids guessed early on owing to the fact that Man-at-Arms wasn’t much of a fan of the ladies, and the fact that she was one of the only people on the show who could actually fight. She was probably the most frustrated persaon in Eternia, due to her limited dating opportunities. Besides herself and her father, you see, the only people in Eternia who looked the least bit normal were Prince Adam, and the King and Queen. Everybody else had something like a head made out of an aluminum elephant, or one giant hand, or a monster face, or they were Dick Cheney. Prince Adam, one would assume, would be all over Teela then, owing to the fact that she also happened to be the only hot girl in Eternia who didn’t turn into bird now and then. Alas, his ever-present pink vest, melodic alto voice, and the fact that he was a big ol’ sissy boy, all suggested that Teela was going to be waiting a long time. Also, for reasons unknown to anyone, in action figure form, Teela was wearing a tanktop made out of a giant snake. This was never explained at all.
Ram Man, another of the homoerotically named protectors of Eternia, wore a suit of Roman Centurion armor he got for the Christmas play at his elementary school, and liked to hang out by the docks picking up sailors. Okay, not really (as far as we know). What he did do was knock things down by smacking into them with his head. I’m sure that all the other good guys tried explaining to him at some point that pretty much everyone had easy access to all sorts of weaponry, and it really wasn’t necessary to use his skull as a sledge hammer, but he didn’t seem to listen. Or maybe they really just enjoyed messing with him. “Ram Man, quick, someone needs to put a big hole in that wall right now, and we’re all out of, um magic, and, uh, hammers.” Ram Man, therefore, was not too terribly bright, and spent most of his time being fascinated by shiny objects, and writing unanswered letters to Elton John.
Finally, we come to He-Man himself (who was actually Prince Adam, I hope I didn’t just spoil it for you). He looked exactly like Prince Adam, except for the fact that he had a really good tan, his voice always had enough reverb to make him the envy of all the monster truck rally announcers in Eternia (of which there were many), and like so many of us, he had evolved beyond pants. He was pretty much invincible, but only when he remembered to be. For instance, if Skeletor dropped a mountain on him, he would always just sit there for a minute, just to add to the drama of it all, and then he’d go and hurl the mountain back at Skeletor. But if He-Man were just, say, on his way home from Linens n’ Things, and Stinkor (who’s only power, much like my freshman year roommate, was to smell really bad) smacked him in the back of the head with an Eternian fire trout (don’t let the name fool you, it was really just a regular trout with some extra fins and junk tacked on to make them look special), He-Man would fold like a cheap card table.
In conclusion, most people in Eternia were, in fact, freaks, and more than a little bit fruity, and horribly underqualified for their jobs (much like many people in
