Last time on teacupmammoths.com, I made fun of Superman, Batman, and Martian Manhunter. And now, the thrilling conclusion…
Wonder Woman was from the island of the Amazons, who, ever since the days of the Ancient Greeks, have lived there guarding various and assorted aeon-forgotten relics of eldritch power, and playing some severely hot games of beach volleyball. Wonder Woman, however, got tired of this life, and went out into the real world to fight crime. She took with her the ancient armor made for her mother by the gods themselves, which, in keeping with the style of the ancient Greeks, was red, white, and blue, with star-spangled briefs (just like Dick Cheney’s). She wielded, as all the Greeks once had, a golden lasso (I’ll bet you thought those were invented here in
Green Lantern was really John Stewart, but one day after he had just finished doing the Daily Show, a little blue oompa loompa smurf guy gave him a gnarly green ring. This ring had the granted him a number of abilities, one being that it made him black, and the other being that it allowed him to make green stuff. He was lucky that way though, because for a long time (particularly in the 70’s) if you were a black superhero, your primary superhero trait was being black. Like, if Superman were black, he would have been called Superblackman, and Batman would have been called, Al Sharpton, and since Green Lantern already has a color in his name, it would have just been silly. Anyways, despite the fact that his ring could really make anything he could imagine as long as it was green, he should have been pretty awesome, but alas, he had a sucky imagination, so all he ever seemed to imagine were green energy bolts and force fields. Maybe if he was feeling really creative he might make a big green mallet or some green hammerpants, or maybe a jolly green Dick Cheney, but usually, he wasn’t that cool.
Hawkgirl was from the planet Thanagar, which would have been a cool planet, except for the fact that it eventually was revealed that every single one of her people save for her was a total buttweasel, after flew to Earth and tried to poop on peoples’ cars and eat mankind’s entire supply of sunflower seeds. Her powers were having a totally sweet mystical mace that her people got from Cthulhu, and having magic wings that allowed her to fly whether or not she was actually using them. Seriously, sometimes she’d actually remember that she was supposed to flap them to take off, but more often, she’d just assume that wing automatically made you fly and start hovering around like Superman. Personally, I always wondered how she got her top on over them anyways, I mean, it’s not like was wearing one of those skanky ones that ties in the back, it looked more like some kind of an armored wife-beater.
Finally, we get to the Flash. His superpower was running really fast. That was pretty much it, unless he got creative, which he rarely remembered to do. When he did remember though, he could do all sorts of crazy stuff, and then just explain it away by saying he did it by going really fast. Like, if he really had to, he could go back in time, or punch through a battleship, or build a hovercraft entirely out of legumes. And if anyone asked, he’d just say he did it by running really fast. I now suspect that he was really just messing with people most of the time. His one weakness was junebugs. I mean, if you’re running at like, half the speed of light and you hit a junebug, it’s just gonna be messy. Also, he was weak against corduroy. One time Lex Luthor snuck a pair of corduroy pants onboard the Watchtower and Flash put them on, and all that the other heroes heard was “zip zip zip zip zipzipzipzip PHOOOM!!!” And then they found Flash lying in the hallway with third degree thigh burns. It was then that pants were forever banned from the Justice League.
So yeah, if there’s one thing I think we can all learn from the Justice League, it’s that superheroes mysteriously never wear pants. I mean, I’m certainly not a superhero (wink) but it seems to me that pants can still be a valuable part of your crimefighting arsenal. It’s not like they were just too lazy to put any pants on, since half of them actually went to the trouble of putting on an additional pair of underpants over their tights (which really seems like it might chafe after a while). So, just in case any of you out there ever become superheroes (or villains) make sure you don’t wear any pants, otherwise, you’re totally gonna get laughed at.
