Most of us, I believe, prefer to go through life feeling secure in the knowledge that we are, for the most part, safe. Of course, life can never be completely without danger, the mafia might put a hit on you, or you might choke to death on a rutabaga, or maybe a giant quetzalcoatl will pick you up and take you back to
Far from being bad for your heart, as conventional wisdom holds, bacon is actually one of the best foods for your circulatory health, owing to the way it slicks up your insides and makes it more difficult for stuff to get stuck in there (kinda like that motor oil with little bits of Teflon in it). The negative and unfounded rumors to the contrary, were in fact started during the World War I (or as it was called back then, The War of Jenkins’ Ear) when the German inventor of bacon, Count Otto Von Bacon himself, defeated the president of the American Medical Association, Rex Morgan M.D. in a heated 77 hour game of Dungeons and Dragons, thereby bringing shame and dishonor to the House of Morgan for ten generations. By way of revenge, Morgan dedicated the rest of his life to starring in a boring comic strip about inadequate medical insurance, and also to ruining the previously pristine good name which bacon had enjoyed up to that point. This, however, is all beside the point.
Bacon, in truth, is in reality far more horrible than even the wildest accusations of the AMA. You see, in recent years, bacon has ceased, to a great degree, to be a stand alone food, and has been ever more frequently bound to otherwise prosaic foods to create such things as the bacon-cheeseburger, the salad with some bacon on it, and of course, bacon-heroin. Thusly stripped of its place of honor amongst pork products, bacon has at last gone rogue, and started punching people in the face.
Scoff if you will, but just this past week, Twitch, a friend and coconspirator of mine fell victim to such and attack when, as he unsuspectingly sat down to eat a plate of delicious bacon, it rose up all a sudden, a seething, undulant, gibbering mass or bacon with eyes like smoldering embers from the very pits or Tartarus and punched him in the face knocking out one of his fillings and necessitating an emergency trip to the dentist this week. Lest you fear that this cowardly attack went unanswered, Twitch’s wrath was kindled against this militant bacon (Twitch and the Militant Bacon, I might add, would make a totally sweet name for a band), and with berserker-like fury he devoured it, lest other bacon feel at liberty to get uppity without consequence.
Now, you might be forgiven for thinking that this web of lies and intrigue goes far enough as it is, but you would be wrong to so believe, for the proverbial rabbit hole goes far deeper than that. It is the case, you see, that bacon is in fact in cahoots (cahoots, I tell you!) with the American Dental Association, lead of course by the devious criminal mastermind Doogie Houser M.D, who, like Saruman and the mountain men, or Dick Cheney and undead chimpanzee army, has been whipping the international bacon community into a bloodthirsty frenzy to further his own vomitous schemes (you have of course, probably guessed where this is all going by now). You see, the more bacon punches innocent aspiring warlords in the face, the more business it creates for the American Dental Association which, owing to the fact that it shares its acronym with the far better known Americans with Disabilities Act, will seek to eventually besmirch the name of the ADA forever, resulting in a public outcry the likes of which has not been heard since it was revealed that Big Bird is, in fact, a Communist. This will of course throw our very nation into chaos, imperiling all that it awesome. So my friends, I exhort you to take up arms against bacon! Eat a lot of it, but punch it first so it can’t get you so bad, and if you see Doogie Houser, punch him too, he’s got it coming.
