Of all the natural drives with which mankind is naturally imbued, there is one perhaps both stronger and more enduring than all the rest. Indeed, it is a rare man indeed, who does not, at some point in his young life, realize that what he lacks is a counterpart, someone who’s existence completes his own, someone he can build his life around, while still remaining true to himself, someone he can do things with, and share all of life’s adventures. Unfortunately, these days what with feverous madness of daily living, there seems to be so very little time to find such a person, and as a result, all too many us seem to chronically find ourselves lacking a nemesis.
Yes, a nemesis, whatever side of the grand scheme of things you happen to fall on, we all, deep down in our heart of hearts, know that what we need is an arch-foe, a sworn adversary, one who’s very continued existence is an affront to all we hold dear. Like Superman and Lex Luthor, Sherlock Holmes and Moriarty, or Dick Cheney and Cookie Monster, none of us are ever truly happy until we have someone we have sworn to destroy, whatever the cost may be (I used to have a nemesis back in college, but after a few years, we just kind of lost touch and drifted apart). With these difficulties in mind, along with the paramount importance of finding a nemesis that suits your personal needs and personality, I would like to announce the launch of the official Teacupmammoths.com Nemesis Online Matching System.
Yes, your days or sitting at home alone on Saturday night because there was nobody who you could punch off of a flaming blimp or throw over a waterfall are over. No more will you will have to face the continual disappointment when you schemes either nefarious or heroic, go off without a hitch because nobody cares enough to throw a monkey into your plans. No longer will you have to spend your valuable time just hanging out in bars, buying strangers drinks in the vain hope that one of them might be plotting against you. No, I have seen a dire need for a service such as this, and that’s why I have taken upon myself to make sure that no one in the Richmond Metro Area go nemesisless. Here’s how you can get in on the action:
Just send me an email with a little basic information about yourself, and what you’re looking for in a nemesis. I’ll correlate your personal information and profile with my vast database of other eligible nemesi, and start sending you people who you might want to battle to your mutual destruction! It’s that easy! Just answer these simple questions, and email them to me here at ben@teacupmammoths.com
Which of the following describes you best?
A: My calling in life is to make the world a better place by using my awesome powers to battle the forces of darkness wherever they may lurk, while saving puppies and building orphanages for clinically ugly children.
B: Diabolically evil, I seek to usher in a new and terrible age of darkness at every turn. All those who dare to oppose me shall be cast into the weasel pit of eternal suffering! Mwahahahaha!
C: For countless aeons, I have wandered this world, ever standing astride the gulf betwixt good and evil. Your puny human morality means nothing to me, I seek only to maintain the balance of power in the universe.
D: An utter loony, I’m not so much concerned with either good or evil, but merely throwing pies at all those who vex me, like Jimmy Carter.
Your approximate level of mightiness is:
A: Mere mortal, driven by my own reasons to seek to make the world more as I believe it ought to be.
B: Meta-human, imbued with awesome powers by some experiment gone-awry or cosmic accident, I have abilities far beyond those of most men, and am more than a match for average SWAT Team or terrorist cell.
C: Demi-godlike, I walk as a titan amongst the human gerbils who surround me. Nations rise or crumble at my word, I am destiny incarnate.
D: William Howard Taft
What nature of relationship are you currently looking for?
A: Recurrent foe, someone who, while not asking for a whole lot of commitment, is still up for foiling my schemes now and then, with the occasional epic battle for the fate of a suburb.
B: Sworn Enemy, though my life is by no means defined by someone else, it is nonetheless the case that whenever I see they’re back in town, I feel the need to smite them to ruin and gloat over the ashes of their broken dreams.
C: True Nemesis, I’m looking for someone to really go steady with, where even if they aren’t working to bring about my downfall at the moment, I’m already planning ahead for the inevitable battle that will likely spell doom for us both.
D: Bane of my existence, for countless generations before had dragged itself to brutish sentience, I have been awaiting the one whom the gods themselves have decreed I must destroy utterly!
E: Dave Coulier and Alanis Morisette
What kind of date would you take your new nemesis on?
A: A pitched battle on top of a flaming Nazi blimp involving an experimental pack.
B: An epic and continuing war to see who will have control of the city.
C: A race to uncover and master the powers of an ancient artifact of awesome powers.
D: An apocalyptic duel between immortals, vying to see who shall control the future of the very human race!
E: Slapping each other around in the parking lot outside of Donut Connection.
So there you have it, that nemesis you’ve always dreamed of having is but an email away, so get started now, and meet your new nemesis today!
