In trying times such as these, what the world needs now is something that really brings people together, something that unifies folks in spite of their differences, and something I can write a blog about without having to do any research, studying, or preparation of any sort whatsoever.  What, you ask, could do all these things?  The answer of course is, Global Domination.  Yes, ever since Grover Cleveland first climbed out of the primeval muck that spawned him, man has wanted to take over the world.  Taking over the world however, is a lot like regrouting the floor in your shower, it all seems straight-forward enough, until you actually try it.  Next thing you know, you’re sitting there with all this grout and flamboyantly thematic henchmen (The Flamboyantly Thematic Henchmen, by the way, would be a totally sweet name for a band, but not one I’d want to be involved in) and spackling knives without a clue as to how you got there (don’t be ashamed, we’ve all been there before).  With that in mind, I’d like to take this opportunity to help you on your way to becoming a dark overlord with a few quick pointers often missed by even the most assiduous of noobs.

            First, you need a cool name.  The nations of the world shall never quake in terror at the mention of the name Herman Finklemeyer, which, I am foolishly assuming, is what most of you are, in fact, named.  Brevity is your friend here.  So take something impressive and fearsome like “Doom” or “Evil” or “Timmy” or something exotic like “Fu Manchu” or “Smackypants”.  Then, if you so desire, slap on a cool title like “Dr.” or “Empress” or “Funk Master Shizzle-mah”.  By simply combining words from these two groups, you too can come up with awesomely evil names such as “Empress Smackypants” (You can’t have that one though, I just called dibs.  You can still be Funk Master Shizzle-mah Timmy though, if you want).

            Now that you’ve got a name, you need a place from which to hurl your evil, like flaming rolls of toilet paper at the passing cars that are the puny nations of the world.  Volcanoes are always good, though you’ll spend a fortune on air conditioning, and if you need to launch a weather control satellite or just send a monkey into orbit, it’s tough to find a location better-suited to the job.  A tropical island is also one of the all-time favorites, owing to the plethora of beaches and villainous skanks that abound upon them.  If you’ve got the capital to pull it off though, you might want to consider a base on the moon (real estate is mighty cheap there right now), especially if you’re plans involve menacing Earth with a giant space laser (and these days, who isn’t?).  But for the aspiring mastermind on a budget, you just can’t beat a fortress twenty miles below the surface of the Earth, accessible only through the service entrance at Stuckey’s.

            Also, you should probably pick up a few quirks and eccentricities, if only help you stand out from all the other wannabes out there, as well as helping to explain you’re frequent and merciless bouts of capriciousness towards those who fail to serve you well.  Maybe you’d like to develop an irrational fear of dirt, like Howard Hughes?  Or possibly an addiction to some bizarre and exotic drug that grows only in the steamy jungles of your homeland?  Perhaps a propensity towards fits of boundless rage followed by a listless fuguelike state would be more your cup of tea?  And failing all those, you can always just talk in rhyme, like Roadblock from G.I. Joe (I don’t hafta see clear, to fracture your rear!).

            Next, you’ll be needing a few henchmen to lead your armies of mindless goons, as well as to keep any pesky heroes out of your hair (though if you lost it all in a disfiguring lab accident that you happen the blame on the father of your nemesis, that’d be cool too).  A short guy who throws something is a perennial favorite amongst many of your higher class overlords, as well as someone with a turban, and one of those villain bombs.  It’s tough to go wrong with a heat-packin’ gangsta from the city streets with some phat kung fu skills, or you could always just get a really enormous guy who never talks because he’s probably retarded or something.  Some hot girl with epic foxy boxing abilities and a thing for evil overlords is always a plus, but if you’re interested in site security, you might just want to invest in a big guy with metal teeth, like Dick Cheney.

            The last real thing you’ll need is a good characteristic villain catchphrase.  Something like, “No Mr. Bond, I expect you to die!” or “Fools, I’ll destroy them all!” are good if you want to emphasize you evilosity.  If you’d rather try something more “outside the box” though, you might want to try one of the following phrases, “Soon the weasels of power will be mine, Beast Man!” or “Look out, he’s gonna beef!” or even “You hate pants, don’t you!?”  These phrases, while not quite so scary in the traditional sense, will help you to foster an aura of apprehension around yourself, as everyone you meet quickly conclude that you are, in fact, a flippin’ loony (c’mon, you know you are).

            After that, all that’s left is getting a good nemesis, and that’s something I’ve already covered (quite bad-assedly, I might add).  So there you have it, everything you need to start taking over the world with the best of them.  Soon your global domination dreams will come true, and you too will be ordering Big-Head Muckety-Muck of the U.N. Kofi Annan (disclaimer: not his real official title) around as if he were your own personal Wesley Crusher.