Of all the barbarians who have ever conquered the world, Genghis Khan is without a doubt, the most excellent.  Why, you ask?  Well, clearly his expert utilization of furry hats played a major role, as well as his love of gadding about the steppes of Mongolia on his Vespa.  I would of course be remiss in my geekly duties as well, were I to omit the fact that he played a significant role in what is probably the defining cinematic event of the 20^th Century, “Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure.”  In short, until recently, I thought I had a pretty good appreciation of Genghis Khan.  But nay, verily was a very fool to have believed so, for there has recently been published a new book of Genghis Khan-related awesomeness.  It’s kind of long though, and it doesn’t have any pictures, so for the benefit of all you out there who might not already have a great yen to learn all about the man who is generally credited as making yak-riding cool (some few on the fringe of such studies would instead grant that most august of honors to Chester A. Arthur) I present the following brief (and pop culture reference-infested) biblogrophy of Genghis “Is That My Waffle?” Khan:

            Like so many other beloved Charles Dickens characters, Genghis Khan had a rough childhood.  When he was little (or possibly not yet born) his parents were attacked by robbers and totally conquered.  Never one to cry in his Spaghetti-O’s however, young Genghis chose to take the Batman route, and to become awesomely rich and someday star in one of only two good movies Keanu Reeves has ever made.  After this, he found himself alone with his mom, Jemima Khan, and his three brothers, Smacky, Greldar, and Carl Khan.  So, he got a job in a soot factory, and had many wacky and musical adventures with his new friends Huck Finn, and the Artful Dodger.  At length, he finally got his family a place in a small starter tribe, where, after correctly pointing out that the chief was, in fact, merely a walrus with uncommonly good delegation skills, he was forced to go around all day wearing one of those big wooden thingies that you put on an ox (no, not a credenza, that other big wooden thingie you put on an ox).  In time though, a kindly family of dirt miners realized that young Genghis wasn’t really an ox after all, and therefore making him wear one of those things was just plain silly.  So, one night, they cut him loose, give him a bag full of peanut butter sandwiches, and sent him on his way.

            Eventually, after he had many wacky misadventures with his nerdy younger brother (here played by Harold Ramis) he, much like Sam Walton, created a sizeable empire from nothing by conquering all the tribes on Mongolia.  Now despite what you may of heard about him (from those anti-Genghis Khan partisan attack dogs on all the mainstream networks), Genghis Khan was really a delightful chap to be conquered by.  You see, he had a very simple plan whenever he took over a new city, province, or fashion park.  He’d just say, “Okay y’all (he did say y’all), you’re part of my empire now, if you’re all cool, I’ll let you go on doing pretty much whatever you were doing already; if you go and act like a bunch of big ol’ tools though, I’m gonna come back and turn your city into a forsaken wasteland.”  Then according to how the city acted, he’d live up to his promise.  So, by the time he was sixty, Genghis Khan ruled all of Mongolia, had al the Twinkies his little barbarian warlord heart desired, and just kinda wanted to enjoy his retirement.  But such was not to be.

            You see, next door to Mongolia, lived the Middle East, where, at the time, they still had some cool stuff, this being before either oil or terrorists were invented.  “Mayhap they have awesomeness that I can trade from them,” thought Genghis Khan with a good-humored twinkle in his eye, “I shall send them a trading party and see if they want to be my friends.”  And so he did.  Alas, while his merchant party of awesomeness was traveling through a Middle Eastern town, that town’s mayor, Optimus Toolbox, thought it’s be funny to kill them all and take their stuff.  Genghis Khan was not pleased, but hey, he was old, and rich, and didn’t want any trouble, so he sent some ambassadors to try and straighten things out.  Unwisely, the incorrigible Mayor Toolbox messed them all up too.

            You ever have some kinda thing going on, where like, someone was doing something really annoying, and you were just trying to turn a yam into an artillery piece or make a topiary shaped like Martin Van Buren, but they just wouldn’t quit being annoying, no matter how nicely you asked, so eventually you just freaked out and took over the world?  That’s pretty much what happened here. “C’mon, you guys,” said Genghis Khan at the very apogee of exasperation, “I really just wanted to have my empire and trade with y’all, but you had to be a bunch of buttweasels and mess it all up.”  And with that, Genghis Khan started taking over the entire world.  In fact, he will probably go down in history as the only global dominator of note to have conquered the world mostly because his neighbors were just that annoying.

            As it happened, he ended up conquering all of the Middle East (They still hold it against him there today.  Saddam “More Cheetos Please” Hussein, for instance, personally blames Genghis Khan for our recent butt-kickage of himself).  Everywhere he went, he introduced all the awesome things that he’d found in other countries.  In Europe alone, he was responsible for the introduction of the math, pants, and being really angry at the Middle East.

            These days, Genghis Khan remains the one native superhero of Mongolia (unless you count Andre the Giant or Aquaman) as well as being their version of George Washington.  In conclusion, Genghis Khan is not only awesome, but worthy of emulation in all things either conquesty or sartorial.  So when ever you find yourself in a quandary (or even an enigma) ask yourself, “WWGD?”