(Okay, now nobody freak out or anything, I know I still have one more crazy roommate story to tell, but it turns out I'm gonna be really busy tonight and don't have the time to write it right now.  As such, I'm gonna post a back-up blog I wrote for just such an occasion as this, and tomorrow I'll get the epic tale of Chuck posted)

            Dick Cheney, Klarr Skullsplitter, Mr. Chinchillatrousers, MC Crackabarrel, The Littlest Jawa, Shirley Temple.  Many names, one man.  Yes, Dick Cheney gets around, and gets a lot of play right here on my humble blog.  But who is this man of mystery really?  From whence did he come?  Where did his hair go?  What about monkeys?  These are the questions that haunt us all, but today, thanks to minutes of painstaking research followed by about half an hour of just making stuff up, I have at last found the answers.  Come with me now, gentle reader, as we embark on a magical and educational voyage to at last unravel a mystery which has tugged at the mind of man since out first apelike ancestors back during the 70’s grunted up at the night sky in wonderment: Who is Dick Cheney?

            Dick Cheney was born on the planet Geldar, over 20,000 of our Earth Years ago.  His parents, Bob and Bertha Cheney, we sadly devoured by a oliaginous Slaak Beast at his 5^th birthday party, leaving little Dick Cheney alone in a fearsome and coniferous world.  Fortunately, he was taken in and raised by a tribe of arboreal cheese pandas, who taught him the way of the warrior, and how to burp through his nose without burning off all his nosebuds from the inside.  It was during this time that he came upon a mysterious radioactive meteor that had fallen into to forbidden and delicious Jungle of Nerock one night.  It glew with a smoldering intensity and kept at bay the rapacious Gruuna Hounds who dwell in that land, so young Dick Cheney passed the night in it’s warmth, though all his tribesmen were much afraid.  Little did he know, that as he slept, the radiation from the meteor was altering his very DNA, making immortal, and a diabolical genius.

            After leading his troops to victory during the Wars of Thraanek, Dick Cheney studied the ways of the Jedi under Master Yoda.  Yoda however sensed much fear in him and sent him on his way.  Dick Cheney then went on a most excellent adventure through history, learning totally sweet stuff about stuff from all the most awesome people in history.  Genghis Khan, Batman, Mr. T, George Washington, and your Mom all taught their ancient ninja battle-axe skillz to Dick Cheney, little knowing the terrible use to which he would one day put them.

            At last, Dick Cheney settled in the 70’s, where his totally phat disco crimefighting powers made him the toast of the town.  Unfortunately, this town was Hoboken, New Jersey, and it’s dark and seething influence began to corrupt his once noble heart.  Studying under Evil Emperor John Travolta, Dick Cheney, or Darth Cheney as he soon came to be called, was a scourge of all that is good, and a blight on the pants of America.  After a climactic battle with lots of fire and robots and John Williams music, Richard M. Nixon pushed him into a big river full of magma and blithely walked away, certain that the Dick Cheney menace was no more.  In fact, Dick Cheney’s 70’s helmet hair had absorbed most of the magma, saving his life, but rendering him pretty much totally bald.

            Dick Cheney then went on a totally sweet road trip for a while, riding around on his airspeeder, running over ewoks as he zipped along the highways of our great nation, as he puzzled out the recent events of his life and listened to Harry Chapin albums for like, eighteen hours a day.  At last, he realized the error of his ways, and opened Halliburton, which was originally designed to turn toxic waste into puppies.  Sadly something went horribly wrong, and he ended up building a Death Star instead.  In the end though, the She-Ra Christmas Special showed him the true meaning of Christmas and he only Death Starred Canada, making it the God-forsaken wasteland that we all know and love today.

            In the 80’s he got an electric robo-baboon heart installed, thus allowing him to finally shoot lightning bolts at all those who incurred his wrath, as well as tour with the Moody Blues for a few years.  He also invented the delicious three-ham omelet, and helped Ronald Reagan get his groove back.  Though it is little talked about today, he was also part of a secret plot to over throw the Soviet Union by stealing the Great Red Spot off of Gorbachev’s head, though sadly, Gorbachev was wearing a hat that day and it didn’t work out, forcing Dick Cheney to instead reveal to the world that Vanilla Ice was actually totally lame, thus performing almost as great a service to mankind.

            Dick Cheney now lives in a totally sweet hollowed-out undersea volcano fortress with his wife, Lon Cheney, and their son, Cobra Commander (he wants to be a firetruck when he grows up).  He owns a submarine that turns into a helicopter, and spends most of his time sitting around in a wife-beater eating Cheez Doodles^Ò, punching Osama Bin Laden in the face, and shamelessly trying to get all his friends to read my blog (as all good people do, you know).

            So there you go, Dick Cheney, a man for all seasons and all seasonings.  Know him, love him, buy him a beer, he is truly, a very strange man about whom I just wrote a terribly silly biography.  Good night.