Fashion. For good or for ill, it is a thing which most of us, at some point, take into account in deciding how we want to present ourselves to the world on a daily basis. Unfortunately, my own timeless sartorial sense aside, most things that were fashionable in the past, now look incredibly dorky (remember pet rocks, hammerpants, and international communism?), just as most things that are fashionable now, will also someday provoke nothing but snickers from our generation’s hypothetical grandchildren. Now, perhaps you might be thinking that I’m about to go and write about the materialistic perceptions which so often shape our people’s understanding of different eras, and make Ashton Kutcher-infested shows a terrible reality. In fact, I’m going to take you on a wholly different fashion odyssey, and take a look at all the various different permutations of fashion that that greatest of all trendsetters has gone through, Cobra Commander.
Cobra Commander, who according to his official bio website was once a used car salesman, and eventually worked his way up to being part of a ruthless terrorist organization determined to rule the world (much like Osama Bin Laden, who, early in his career, was CEO of Manny’s Used Camel Emporium, before Shipwreck and Snake-Eyes accidentally blew up the cave his office was in during a pick up game of yak polo). Being self taught and all, it’s no wonder that Cobra Commander didn’t get his fearsome look down perfectly on the first try. The look he decided to go with as he set out on his desperate bid for world domination, was really kind of derivative, being a cross between the “I’m a Klansman, sheet over your head” look and the “Oh no, there’s an octopus trying to eat my brain again” look. While this was a great way to go for the aspiring warlord on a budget, it also made it terribly obvious whenever he sneezed (which was a lot, owing to Destro’s penchant for really strong, really bad cologne), not to mention that all it took was a gentle breeze to completely blow it off his head, thus pretty much destroying his aura of badassitude right when he was in the middle of menacing a Denny’s or something.
Realizing the weaknesses inherent in his choice of masks, Cobra Commander decided to take a cue from two of the scariest things ever to exist on Earth, Nazis, and Easter Eggs. By combining these two terrible things, he managed to craft a big, blue “gonna go invade
After the entire Serpentor debacle however (don’t ask, all you need to know is that to this day, duct tape, marshmallows, and Backstreet Boys records are all banned from the Terrordrome), not to metion the time that he was turned into a giant, retarded snake with stubby little tyrannosaurus arms while rolling down a hill in a blizzard while wrestling with Roadblock (I don’t have to see clear, to fracture your rear!), and developing a first class case of athsma, Cobra Commander felt that it was time to make a fresh start of things, a goal he undertook to once again design a new helmet for himself. Taking into account the ever-changing ideas of awesomeness and scaritude of the 90s, Cobra Commander decided to go with a look based on a stormtrooper helmet, a ping pong ball, and his new inhaler he needed to keep with him at all times. The result was, to say the least, incredibly lame looking, because while the new helmet did have a certain cache if he was wearing it in conjunction with a jetpack, battle armor, or clown suit, if he was just ambling around the Terrordrome at night in his cashmere jammies, mug of hot chocolate (sans marshmallows, of course) in one hand, creepy headless teddy bear in the other, passed out on the employee lounge sofa with a half empty jar of Cheez Wiz blanced precariously on his knee, it tended to give him more of the “I’m Captain Doofus, the five year old Space Cadet, Whee!” look, which did nothing at all to improve his chances of successfully making out with the Baroness.
Happily, this particular fashion faux pass didn’t last too long, as after one hectic day involving getting his head caught between the banister posts on the Terrordrome staircase, and getting the helmet turned around backwards while trying to put on a bowtie, Cobra Commander decided that really, something different was in order. Therefore, he decided to go with what he knew best, the “cover your whole face so that Destro can’t see you sticking your tongue out at him” look, as well as involving elements from samurai helmets, that thing Luke had to wear when Obi Wan was making him fight that little flying waffle ball, and of course, going with a garish pimped out color scheme that threw all caution to the wind, and really made him look, if possible, even dorkier.
Now you know, and knowing is half the battle.
