In American cinema, there are certain oft-reused plot devices which, though perhaps a little clichéd, are nonetheless ever welcome because they somehow, in a very real way, make us feel comfortable, even if the rest of the movie sucks like whatever movie Ashton Kutcher is in this week. Yes, the unnecessary car chase, the training montage, the part where Legolas hits on some other dude, Mel Gibson getting really angry and blowing something up, or even just Keanu Reeves being some kind of chosen one, all are things without which movies as we know them could not exist. But there is one other great filmamatic institution that has, in recent years, fallen by the wayside. No, I’m not talking about the making of movies that star both Fred Savage and Andre the Giant (not that we don’t need more of them too), but rather the ever awesome Muppet Dance Party.
Seriously, for a while back there in the 80’s, just about every movie except for Jaws and the Reagan administration ended in a Muppet Dance Party. You know, like where the hero, or possibly Jennifer Connelly would have had all these wacky adventures and then ended up having to back to the real boring world and she’d be sitting there and all of a sudden a Muppet would jump up out of somewhere and be like, “Woot, Party Tiiiiiime!” And then every single Muppet in the entire movie, whether good, evil, or beyond all moral categorization, would just show up and start getting their respective groove on. It always made the movie end well, no matter what might’ve been wrong with the story up to that point. There was honestly no such thing as a bad movie that ended with a Muppet Dance Party. Return of the Jedi? Muppet Dance Party. Labyrinth? Muppet Dance Party. Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey? Pseudo-Muppet Dance Party (Pseudo-Muppet Dance Party, needless to say, would make a totally excellent name for a band). Star Trek IV? Muppet Dance Party. The list goes on, but I believe I’ve made my point. Indeed, it became so much a part of our national psyche that after the fall of the
Sadly, with the advent of computer-generated talking animals as well as your more run-of-the-mill freaks, Muppets have been getting less and less play in the movies; a development which, in addition to causing an unprecedented Muppet unemployment epidemic, has resulted in a drastic reduction in the number of movies which end with the ever popular Muppet Dance Party. Sure, “Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy” kind of had one, and “Star Wars Episode I” (The Revenge of Jar-Jar) did too, but how many others did? Did “Spiderman 2” (never mind “Spiderman 1”, that didn’t count)? Did “War of the Worlds”? Did “Muppets from Space”? Hell, No! And really what the world needs now more than ever is a good Muppet Dance Party.
With all these things in mind though, I believe I’ve finally come up with a way to get Muppets back on screen and out of our nation’s welfare offices and crackhouses, while at the same time, making full use of recent breakthroughs in going back and putting a bunch of extra crap in movies to make everyone buy the DVD all over again. Where am I going with this, you may ask? The answer, you see, is as simple as the humble Special Edition. Everywhere you look these days (but especially in stores that rent, sell, or otherwise promote video sales) some tired old B-Movie is being made into a “Special Edition” now with all the junk that wasn’t good enough to be put in 137 years ago when they first made it, but has since magically transmogrified itself into quality entertainment. All we have to do is capitalize on this phenomenon by getting future special editions to include among their countless hours of mindless drivel, a digitally remastered Muppet Dance Party scene. What movies could possibly benefit from such a treatment? Here’s a few I thought might be good candidates:
First, Revenge of the Sith. Now, I don’t know about you, but after the Ewok party at the end of Return of the Jedi, I was hoping for something that, if not equal in greatness to the immortal Yub Yub Song, would at least be in the same vein. Man was I ever disappointed by all the sappy meaningful glances and foreboding evilosity. Let’s see how things could’ve been a little better:
And what about Return of the King? Sure it had a happy ending insomuch as evil was vanquished and good carried the day, but were all the tearful farewells really necessary? I think not. Honestly, if ever a movie cried out to have some Muppets in it, this was it. But did we see so much as even Gonzo dancing with Gollum? Nope. How about if instead of spending the last three hours of the movie being all sad and angsty, Peter Jackson had taken the opportunity to liven things up a bit?
And finally, Adolph Hitler’s masterpiece of self aggrandizing Nazi propaganda, Triumph of the Will. Despite being brilliantly made, the fact that this movie is in fact all about how awesome one of the most evil, twisted, and fruity men who ever lived tends to take it off the list of rentals you’re thinking about for watching with your family. But what if we tried to make things a little more kid-friendly?
Well, there you have it. The future is now y’all, so write to your congressmen and/or Chewbacca and ask, nay, demand that all future movies will contain at least one Muppet Dance Scene. Do it for the children.
