August; it’s usually decent enough month, aside from the heat, humidity, and occasional spate of elevator weasel attacks, and for the most part, I think most of us put it too pretty good use, overall. If there’s one thing that August lacks though, it’s a patron cause. Think about it, just about every other month (including the made-up ones like Smarch and Febtober) is “Official Something Month”. Maybe it’s “Americans With No Dancing Skills Month” or “Don’t Put Steel Wool In The Microwave Awareness Month” or the much maligned “Say Something Nice About Canada Month”, but however silly and frivolous the cause may be, there’s a month for it (September, unfortunately, somehow came to be both “National Cookie Appreciation Month” and “Dental Hygiene Month” simultaneously. One can only imagine the resulting fights as both sides try to book convention centers on the same dates). August however, has nothing of the sort and, as a result of all these years of neglect and bottled up angst, has become something of a rogue month, a seething cauldron of rage and bitterness merely awaiting it’s chance to wreak havoc upon all those who cast their scorn upon it as one would cast the toupee of derision upon William Shatner (William Shatner and the Toupees of Derision, would of course be a totally sweet name for a band). With all these things in mind however, I believe I have finally found a purpose for August; a cause both appropriate and underappreciated, that nearly always gets short shrift in our modern society. By which of course I mean “National Evil Month”
Seriously though, isn’t it about time we all started to recognize all the contributions that evil and its practitioners have made to our society? And what about the many Evil-Americans whose evil heritage has so long been ignored in favor of nearly all other special interest groups (excepting of course, Uglo-Americans and People Who Like Boy Bands)? And indeed, what month could possibly be more rife with evil than August anyway, containing as it does the birthdays of Martha Stewart, Fidel Castro, Steve Guttenberg, and the Snufflufagus from
First, why not send a little note of thanks to all those people in your life who work so hard to destroy all that is good and decent in the world? Take your nemesis out to brunch, write Josef Stalin a flattering haiku, maybe even send that guy you work with who’s always nicking your paper clips a Candygram. Whatever you feel like doing, just as long as it’s something.
Next, try and get your local schools and civic groups to spend more time learning the valuable contributions that evil people have made to our society. For example:
Chairman Mao, who though often remembered for being a murderous dictator, introduced the idea of “Business Casual” dress to modern society. Yes, thanks to his penchant for wearing his pajamas all the time, some of us can now get away with jeans and a blazer on Fridays.
Dr. Zepplin Von Devious, who back in 1879 first invented first invented the modern waffle iron (before which time, people were forced to pour their waffles with holes on just one side, and then go back with a special waffle chisel to cut out the other side). Admittedly, he was trying to build a lightening gun that would allow him to destroy South Dakota thereby ridding the world of Mount Rushmore, which even then had, through some freakish effect of natural erosion, predicted that at some point Teddy Roosevelt would become President, but still, you’ve gotta give him credit for the waffles.
President Chester A. Arthur, who, to ease his boredom on long railroad trips, would throw kittens at passing road signs. He also invented margarine.
Adolf Hitler, who in addition to being absolutely evil, invented the Volkswagen, as well as being the first evil dictator to make wide use of the smiley face on coffee mugs.
Sydney Bloopmeyer IV, who once snuck into Mother Theresa’s room while she was asleep and drew a goatee and Harry Potter glasses on her face with a magic marker.
Also, maybe the newspaper could run a little weekly feature about up-and-coming evil people in town, describing their fiendish machinations, neuroses, and hobbies in general. And of course, since nary a holiday can escape commercialization nowadays, I think we could expect the see a surfeit of “Happy Evil Month” Hallmark cards hitting the market almost immediately. So there you have it, finally a purpose for August. Go forth then, with a new appreciation for our most evil citizens, especially next time you make waffles.
