Perhaps, like most people, you believe that your car is safe from the wiles of evil dictators who’ve been dead for 60 years and suddenly returned to vivid and terrible life endowed with the power to turn nearly invisible. I used to too, but then this past week I received this picture, from alert teacupmammoths.com reader Scott of the Antarctic (mostly his real name).
At first, I was too freaked out to even comprehend what I was seeing, and I had to turn off my monitor and go hide under the bed until I felt like having some Gummy Bears and ventured out once more. After I was done with the Gummy Bears though, I went back to my computer and resumed being freaked out. I mean, I drive by myself all the time, it’s not like I have any friends other than the little woodland creatures of the forest (just like St. Francis, assuming than in a few hundred years people start buying little hobbit-sized concrete statues of me to put in their yards).
I know what you’re thinking, “Foolish Ben, Hitler is clearly not in your van, being as he is too large to fit in the glove compartment or little armrest/starship control panel thingie between the front two seats!” Perhaps so, were it not evidently the case that somehow Hitler has gained the power to become invisible. How did this happen anyway? Did he infiltrate the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen and steal it from that invisible guy? Has he joined up with the Romulans and gotten ahold of a Nazi-sized cloaking device? Does he just have a suit of clothes dyed to look exactly like the inside of my van? I don’t know, but the fact remains that this is a distinctly sucky development, and almost as bad as that time I got a squirrel wrapped around my van’s distributor cap. All I knew, was that it was no longer a mystery why my van’s most annoying to replace radiator hose had suddenly given out (it being a well-known fact that Hitler loathed radiator hoses, and someday hoped to rid his empire from their pernicious influence).
To make matters worse, if you look at the picture, it’s obvious that far from enjoying his little stealth road trip, Hitler is severely cheesed off. Just look at him, he’s all frowning and pouty looking, like someone just took his last wiener schnitzel or something. Why is he being such a sour kraut here? I have a few ideas. First, it’s possible that he’s just angry because he’s being forced to ride in a thoroughly unvolkswagenish car which, judging by the look of it, is the same one Biff used to chase Michael J. Fox at the end of “Back to the Future 2”. Hitler, you see, is a big fan of 80’s movies, and was obviously disappointed not to get a chance to be punched in the face by Lea Thompson. Or, maybe Hitler inferred from the purple suit that this guy is wearing that he was in the august company of a pimp. Alas, judging by the look on Hitler’s face, he is in fact merely a rabbi with unusual fashion sense on his way to the kosher market to by some hamless Hamdingers, with nary a ho in sight. Or, maybe Hitler is just really annoyed because he has to pretend like he isn’t there, lest he tip his hand too soon and have the rabbi realize that Hitler is riding shotgun. So maybe this guy is just driving down the road, blaring Hillary Duff songs as loud as he can, pegging Hitler with jellybeans of undesirable flavors as he travels merrily along his way. Or maybe this guy is actually some powerful immortal being of justice, like Green Lantern’s brother, the Purple Lantern, and he’s driving Hitler all the way to
On a more serious not though, clearly riding with Hitler is a problem we as a society need to address. I mean, say you’re driving a race car with only one seat in it, is Hitler going to be sitting on your lap? Even if you can see through him, that’s still a little bit forward of him. And what if you’re driving a clown car alone, is it gonna be full of invisible clown Hitlers (not that The Invisible Clown Hitlers wouldn’t be a sweet name for a band)? Does this mean everyone can always take the HOV lane from now on? If you know that he’s there, can you expect him to pitch in for gas money? Probably not, he’s the kind of guy who’d get you an AOL disk for your birthday. If he only rides with you when you’re alone, does that mean that if you pick up your grandmother from pro wrestling camp, Hitler has to get out and walk home? I’m just saying, there are a lot of questions here, and I think it’s time we started doing something about the problem of Hitler being such an invisible ride mooch and all. As for myself though, I plan on getting a big Franklin Eleanor Roosevelt cardboard cutout and having him ride along with me, in the hopes that he’ll be scared off by its fearsome demeanor. Don’t get the Neville Chamberlain one though, it’ll just make Hitler all cocky and then you’ll never chase him out.
