The Maytag Repairman, as the story goes, is the loneliest man in the world.  Generally, this unhappy circumstance of his has been attributed to the extraordinary quality of Maytag domestic appliances, but in truth, I think all of us, including the eponymous repairman, know that reality is far less flattering.  First though, lest I spend this entire blog calling this lamentable fellow “The Maytag Repairman”, let’s come up with a more convenient name for him.  Thusly, I dub him “Grelkar the Deathreaver” for the duration of this blog, and all cocktail parties pursuant thereto.  Now honestly, why exactly is he the loneliest man in the world?  I mean, there are a lot of people on the planet whose jobs call for just sitting around for eight hours a day waiting to be called into action, like they guy who carries the launch codes for all our nuclear weapons.  If you think about it, he’s gotta hate all the waiting.  Like, one day, we’ll finally have to go ahead and nuke Canada, and everyone else’ll be all like “Alas, that there is no other way to do this,” but he’ll be all like, “W00T! Finally my job has meaning!  My wife is going to be so surprised at dinner tonight when she asks what I did at work today!”  I mean, regardless of your job, you’ve still got 16 hours a day to have a social life, and clearly Grelkar has greater problems than mere time management if he can’t accomplish such a thing.  Let’s take a look then, at some of the other possible reasons why he might be missing out on the society of his various and assorted crackers.

            Like many of us, it may be that case that Grelkar was raised Amish.  However, from his youth his obsession with maintaining appliances earned him the scorn of his fellow Ammlets.  All the bullies on the school playground would shun him when the teacher wasn’t looking, and he kept an old Cuisinart hidden in a cow out on the family farm.  One day though, when he was 18, his parents discovered a disassembled washer/dryer combo under his bed and he was banished from the farm.  Out of shame he abandoned his Amish name, Jethro Methuselah Bootylicious Yoder (which, upon reflection, was not so very great a sacrifice on his part), and went to dwell with the Battling Appliance Sherpa Monks of the Himalayas.  There he learned all the mystical arts of fixing dishwashers, as well as being trained in unholy and forbidden kung fu skillz.  Eventually, he made his way to the Maytag Repair Facility, where he secured employment.  To his horror though, he discovered that their fine products never required his services only after signing an eternal contract of employment.  And so he goes on, trapped in a living Hell, unable to practice the art for which he forsook all those that ever loved him, crying himself to sleep at night while eating marshmallow fluff straight out of the jar and watching Mama’s Family.

            Or, maybe his parents (Mamie Eisenhower and The Riddler), repelled by his hideous visage, left him on a mountaintop to perish from the elements; a fate from which he was saved by a passing band of baboons (Mamie Eisenhower and the Band of Baboons, by the way, would make a most triumphant name for a band), who raised him as one of their own.  For many years young Grelkar dwelt with them, frolicking amongst the jungles and earring boutiques of Borneo, until at last he felt drawn once more to human society.  Alas, his freakish appearance, penchant for poop flinging, and the blue butt that he had picked acquired as a consequence of living with baboons tended to disqualify him from all jobs which called for dealing with people, so at last the Borneoan Ministry of Doofus Employment shipped him off to America for the one job in the world where it was expected he would never have to see anybody, that of a Maytag Repairman.

            Or perhaps he was born into a life of luxury and wealth, but on his seventh birthday his parents were both killed by Jack Nicholson before his very eyes.  As a result he spent his youth in training and seclusion, withdrawing from the society of all humanity save for Commissioner Gordon.  At last when his preparations were complete, Grelkar donned the costume of that most fearsome and dreaded creature of the night, the Maytag Repairman, fighting all the psychos and freaks who would seek to oppress the good people of Maytag City.  Never seeking friendship or conversation, but always brooding and lying in wait, until he sees the spotlight with a refrigerator on it, at which time he swings into action, delivering merciless justice to all evildoers.

            At any rate, suffice it to say that at last, after all these years, the Maytag Company, either to give this poor fellow some company or to tacitly admit that it’s products are not of the quality they used to be.  Unfortunately, the new Maytag Repairman, who, in the interest of brevity, I shall call “Snarg the Nancy-Boy” seems to be the very embodiment of evil.  Every time I’m in Lowe’s and I go by the Things You Can’t Fit In a Cart section, there they are, big as life, in cardboard cutout form.  Snarg, who kind of looks like an evil version of Bruce Campbell, always has this sort of a “I’ll fix your washer and steal your woman, cur!” sort of a sneer on his face, while poor old Grelkar mostly just looks listless and confused, as if he knows deep down in his pudgy old man heart that if he doesn’t just go along with this, Snarg’s gonna beat the tar out of him with a trout as soon as thy get back from the photo shoot.

            So there you have it; an excellent example of the importance of getting out during the day and spending some time around people, lest you too end up like Grelkar, the Maytag Repairman.  Oh, and also, even if you were raised by baboons, do try and get over that whole poop flinging thing.