If you were to walk down the street and randomly ask people who their favorite astrophysicist is, most of them would say Stephen Hawking.  Okay, maybe some of them would say it was Albert Einstein, or Alf, or Donald Rumsfeld, but Stephen Hawking is still clearly in the top four.  Anyways, the thing is, if he’s so totally brilliant (and you know he is because he was on Star Trek once) how come he just rolls around all the time in that dinky little souped up wheelchair?  I mean, I’m sure he could probably build a toaster oven that’s smarter than both houses of Congress put together, so how come he’s riding around in Lincoln Continental of the wheelchair world?  The answer, as I’m sure you’ve already figured out, is that there’s actually more to this situation than meets the eye.  But what could really be behind this bizarre contradiction between the inherent awesomeness of Stephen Hawking and the comparative lametude of his only modestly pimped out ride?

            After puzzling over this quandary, I think I’ve come to the only conclusion that fits with the facts available, which is of course, that Stephen Hawking, much like Captain Picard, is in fact Professor X, brilliant telepath and leader of a team of mutants who fight evil and other severely uncool things.  I’ll bet the he hates spending all day rolling around in that wheelchair of his doing PBS specials and sneaker endorsements, and as soon as he gets back to his fortress at night, he hops out and either puts on his powered exoskeleton or gets into some kind of awesome looking hoverchair that has like, a mini-fridge, and a DVD player, and some photon torpedoes, and maybe even a Mr. Coffee (except, since he’s in England, it would be Mr. Tea, which is like Mr. Coffee, but with more gold chains and a mohawk).  And then, I bet he has some kind of totally sweet underground tunnel thing that takes him to his secret base at the center of the Earth where, with his council of awesomeness (including such super-powered mutants as Bob Denver, Bob Dole, Wolverine and LeVar Burton) where he works tirelessly behind the scenes in all global affairs working ever for the good of mankind.

            Stephen Hawking is also probably just putting on an act when he talks like he’s just another world-famous physicist.  Like, when he’s down with all his mutant homies in the danger room, he’s always saying stuff like, “I came here to kick ass and chew bubble gum, and I’m all out of bubble gum,” or “Christmas came early this year, and Santa just brought you a punch in the face,” or maybe even, “Autobots, transform and roll out!” because as cool as he is, Stephen Hawking is not above using someone else’s battle cry if it works really well.  And Stephen Hawking and his four mutants probably each have a different ring of elemental power, (Bob Dole of course, has Heart) and by their powers combined, they could summon some benevolent nature spirit, but since Captain Planet is in rehab right now, the best they can probably hope for is Ralph Nader with a green mullet (the haircut, not the fish, unless it’s not an exclusive choice and he can have both, cause if you think anyone is gonna stand their ground when a green-mulleted fish-swinging Ralph Nader comes after them, you haven’t spent as much time out living on the streets as I have).

            And of course, they’d all travel around in some crazy tank that they got a the Thundercats’ garage sale, after Lion-o got taken away for abusing Snarf and Panthro finally got a full time gig as a jazz performer for those stupid robo-koalas that 3^rd Earth is infested with.  And maybe once in a while, they fight a robeast, just to keep things interesting.

            So yeah, next time someone tells you that Stephen Hawking is just another stuffy old white guy scientist, you make sure you set them straight on the subject.  Also, make sure you point out that he is totally the world champion when it comes to doing the robot dance.