If I had to pick just one event that’s common to all the people who have ever lived, I would, without reservation, have to choose that noblest of institutions, the car chase.  Seriously, who among us hasn’t ever had to flee via automobile from an army of evil robots from the future, or rogue secret agents, or a pickup full of crazy farmers, hellbent on wreaking horrible vengeance upon you?  Sometimes it’s because you did something, like steal a top secret bioweapon, or worse yet, the mascot of a rival high school (Captain Oinky XIV).  Whatever the reason, car chases are frequently rather stressful affairs, as you speed through the urban jungle that is Southside, with The Man (Calvin Coolidge is, in fact, the original Man), or possibly Smokey on your tail, as you desperately try to make it to the Batcave, or, if you don’t happen to be Batman (not all of us can be, don’t feel bad), Waffle House.

            Finally however, after a great deal of cogitation and having seen Dukes of Hazzard over the weekend, I think I finally understand the ancient and subtle are of car chase mastery.  Come with me then, won’t you, and a fun-filled learnventure of knowledge, as we explore the finer points of taking control of your next car chase.

            Now, the first thing you have to remember to never do if you’re being chased by the authorities is put on some really intense techno music.  Almost without fail, this summons either federal agents, who more often than not have been co-opted by an evil crime syndicate or space aliens.  Sometimes though, a guy made out of liquid metal will show up in a semi and start chasing you.  This guy, who’s name is Gus, by the way, is a complete tool, and you so completely do not want him chasing you in a semi that even if the only thing on your MP3 player is techno, you’re better off to just flee in silence.  Now here’s where the trick comes in; you see, if you happen to have anything at all available with more than 40% banjo to it, playing this at top volume will almost invariably bring about a drastic improvement in your situation.

            First, instead of being chased by the government’s mercilessly effective enforcers, all of a sudden, you’ll look back in the mirror and see a bunch of corrupt yet loveable hick cops chasing you.  And instead of ramming your car off the road and into a wall, while ever keeping a deathly silence, they’ll shout stuff like, “Woo, got you now, boy! Yee-Haa!,” at which point they’ll all spin out of control and start colliding with each other in a humorous manner, running into pigpens and fruit stands which will invariably be close at hand.  Pigpens and fruit stands or course being the two things in this world best known for stopping a car without seriously hurting anyone, so that they can get out of the car and have like a watermelon or a pig on their head, as they shake their fist with impotent fury (the cop I mean, not the pig on his head nor the watermelon) as you speed off to freedom.

            Also, banjo music helps to smooth out your escape route.  Like if you’re listening to techno chase music, you’ll keep running into all the blind alleys and dead ends, as the soulless minions of orthodoxy draw ever nearer and you start freaking out, cuz they work for space aliens and/or Calvin Coolidge.  If you play banjo music though, every time you think you’re trapped, there’s like, a ramp on a construction site, or a barn you can drive through, though when you emerge, there will be a chicken in the car.  Don’t even ask how it got in there, that’s just the price you pay for your continued freedom.

            Of course, the banjo chase method also helps if whoever happens to be chasing you is armed, as they usually are.  Like if you’re listening to techno and being chased by FBI agents, and they start shooting at you, bullets will start ricocheting around inside the car and you’ll get a tire shot out and it’s all scary.  If you’ve got banjo music going on though, they’ll be armed with stuff like shotguns and rocket launchers, but it’ll always miss, or just take off a rearview mirror.  Mostly, it’ll just blow unrealistically large holes in funny things that you drive by, like mailboxes fashioned in the likeness of trout, or lawn jockeys, or squirrels.

            And even if you should happen to get caught, banjo chase music is still a lifesaver.  Like if you get caught by the FBI space alien liquid metal Calvin Coolidge guys, they’ll take you to a big scary office building and slap you around like a duck in a cotton candy machine, before leaving you to ponder the evil that shall surely befall you.  If you get caught while playing banjo music though, they’ll just handcuff you and stop to gloat for a while, at which point your hot cousin or Wonder Woman will feign car trouble and distract them while the lovable yet bumbling doofus you keep around for emergencies just such as this sets you free and then takes the cop car off for a joyride.

            So there you go, a veritable plethora of reasons to always keep a little banjo music in your car, lest you happen into an unexpected car chase unprepared.  Just be careful, if you try and listen to a techno remix of banjo music while you’re in a car chase, you’ll probably be thrown into some crazy alternate bizarro world dimension, where everything is just like Earth, but with one horrible difference, like Hitler won the American Revolution, or monkeys run the Home Shopping Network, or Elton John turned into Dr. Octopus unopposed and using his four extra arms, wrote even more crappy songs for dead royalty based on his already existing crappy songs.  So yeah, be careful about that.

            Be sure to tune in tomorrow for the Uncle Jesse vs. Uncle Jesse!