Well, here it is, the middle of September again, and everyone knows what that means. Except maybe they don’t, so I’m gonna say what it means anyways. It means that many, if not all, of you college students, retirement home dwellers, and convicted felons are probably starting to hate your roommates. Now, some of you might feel a little guilty about this (except for the convicted felons, y’all have enough to feel guilty about already so don’t go getting all angsty on me), but the fact is that a full 87% of roommates are, scientifically speaking, crazy psycho freaks who you really need to get out of your room as soon as possible in the interest of protecting your own sanity, as well as other such laudable goals as taking both the mattresses in the room and making a little fort out of them or possibly just sitting around in your underwear all day singing 99 Luft Balloons (the cool version though, where everything is in German except for the part about Captain Kirk). “But what can I do?” you may be asking, “My roommate is clearly far more crazy than I am, there’s no way I’m gonna be able to scare him/her/it away without using a flamethrower full of Gummi Bears!” Fear not young Padawan (that has got to be in the top ten dorkiest things I have ever written here and I apologize for it), for I have more experience getting rid of annoying roommates than anyone else I’ve ever met; experience which I am about to share with you, that you may at last be free of whatever evil your roommate happens to be the earthly embodiment of, whether it be too much partying, smelling like a fetid yak corpse, believing themselves to be a rapper, or merely looking like Fred Savage. Now, some people (your R.A. and/or your mom) are going to tell you that you ought to go to the Office of Ineffective Guidance Counselors Who Have Never Lived in the Real World, where you and your roommate can work through your disagreements together, and do stuff like draw up contracts and emote and eventually go on long walks on the beach together, because these programs are all actually underwritten by the Communist Party, with the intent of making you a total and unadulterated wuss. So instead, just do these things:
First, get a weird hobby. It doesn’t have to be incredibly weird, like making possums into handbags, it can just be something unusual, like making medieval armor for instance. The secret here is that the crazier your roommate is, the more likely they are to think of themselves as normal, and the more likely they are to be freaked out if your conversations all start out with, “Don’t mind the trebuchet, I’ll be taking it out on the Quad in a week or two.” Or, “No, no, don’t worry, it’s strictly non-lethal. Though come to think of it, I could probably fix that in a jiffy.”
Most people hate at least a couple of the following kinds of music: Dixieland, Techno, Anime Soundtracks, Polkas, and Listening to Petula Clark Songs Backwards to Find the Satanic Messages in Them. All you have to do is experiment a little and find out which one of these you happen to have a relatively high tolerance to, while at the same time driving your roommate absolutely insane with rage. And since pretty much all roommate feuds start with your roommate playing the most hideous music imaginable, when they complain you can just say, “But I never complain when you listen to Vanilla Ice sixteen hours a day.” Say it all innocently too, like you really don’t see what the big deal is.
One day while they’re out at class or something, totally mess up your side of the room, then take your shirt off, put on a pair of enormous purple pants, and when you hear them coming down the hall, start shouting and banging on the walls. Then, when they open the door, lie on the floor looking dazed. If they ask what happened, say you got angry and don’t want to talk about it anymore. When they keep bugging you, say “You’re making me angry; you wouldn’t like me when I’m angry,” and suddenly run out of the room making as much noise as you can in the hall.
Start playing an MMORPG all the time. Then start talking about it all the time, as if your character is your soulmate or something, and how terribly important it is that they understand everything about your character. Eventually, insist that your roommate call your by your MMORPG name, and start making idle comments about how you’re they need to respect you because you’re a level 47 Elf Priestess. If they get angry, mention how many hit points you have, and talk about how many levels you have invested in your Dodge skill. Finally, when they wake up one day, shout, “By the Hoary Hordes of Hoggoth! An Orc Scout, I must alert the
Get a toad. Lick it, and pretend to trip out and do all sorts of crazy stuff. If your roommate calls the authorities, deny it all and let the test the toad. If your roommate is a stoner or something and wants to lick the toad too, act really surprised when it doesn’t do anything to them. Then, get angry and tell them they must have broken it.
Stay up all night watching anime and drinking wine coolers. In the morning, just sit there looking wired and strung out. When they ask if you’re okay, say “Nani?” and pretend you can’t understand English. If they get frustrated with you, try to throw a Hadoken at them, and when it doesn’t work, look unspeakably perplexed for a moment, then start crying and run out of the room. If you do happen to successfully Hadoken them, you so totally need to tell me your secret, because the whole ↓→B thing isn’t working for me.
Whenever any of their friends come over, act completely normal and friendly.
Get a dictionary. Keep it by itself in a drawer of your desk. Whenever your roommate comes in, hurriedly close it, throw it in the drawer, and act like you weren’t doing anything. Start blatantly using vocabulary words around them, then look really smug.
Rent Apollo 13 one day. The next day, announce that you’ve decided to become an astronaut and get rid of your bed. Cover one of your walls with Velcro, and then make a suit for yourself out of the other kind of Velcro. Sleep on the wall at night. Roll around a lot in your sleep. Whenever you see them getting into bed like a normal person, shake your head and look mildly disgusted.
Get a bunch of mood rings and wear them all at the same time. Rush into the room and declare, “Alright man, now there’s gonna be a reckoning! Earth! Fire! Wind! Water! Monkeys!” Throw your arms into the air, and gaze about yourself with a look of manic triumph. After a few seconds, start looking around like you expect to see Captain Planet, or possibly Dick Cheney. When neither of them appears, mumble an incoherent apology and take a nap.
Well, there you have it, whatever it is. Go forth, and if you try these Ben-tested methods, you’ll be the envy of everyone else on the floor before you know it.
