I don’t think I need to take a poll to say with the greatest of certainty that pretty much everybody likes sailboats.  I mean hey, they’re boats, they’ve got a sail on them, what more could you ask for?  Therefore, I would assume that most of you would be concerned if there were some terrible sailboat blight sweeping the nation and raining untimely destruction upon untold legions of sailboats.  Well my friends, I’m afraid that’s precisely what’s happening out in California, the state where there’s nothing so utterly ridiculous that it can’t cause millions of dollars worth of destruction.  What’s causing this hideous blight upon sailboats, you may ask?  The answer, and I must warn you here that it is more retarded than you can possibly imagine, is sea lions.  No, really, I’m sober and everything, this is really happening.  Apparently, thousands of sea lions have started leaping out of the water and wallowing about on the decks of sailboats there, and, as one might suspect, when you get over fifty ginormous walrus things on a boat, it tends to sink, more often than not.  And yet, since up until now, this has never happened before, it must be asked what on Earth is making sea lions sink sailboats?

            Now, as much as I’d like to blame this all on Spanky, Lord of the Mole People, or possibly just Adolf Hitler, the simple fact is that Mole People hate the water, and Hitler can’t even swim without his little water wings, so the culprit has to be someone else.  But who do we know who loves that water, can control sea life, and hates everybody?  Yup, I’m afraid it’s Aquaman.  Some of you might question this conclusion, after all, Aquaman is part of the Justice League.  But then again, France was part of the Allies in World War II, and we all know what a bang-up job they did that time around.  The sad truth is, nobody in the Justice League ever really liked Aquaman.  Sure he’s the king of the seas, but when the last time a supervillian ever wanted to conquer the seas?  They’re already under water, what else can you do to make them more useless (unless, like Cobra Commander, you’re going to try to blow up the ocean, which is just too retarded to even comment on)?  The problem with Aquaman is that, unfortunately, when he’s on land he’s just fruity-looking guy with fish pants and a bronze wife-beater, which might make him a force to be reckoned with if he was part of the Total Sissy League, but since that’s a completely fictitious league that I just dreamed up to illustrated his wussetude, he’s pretty much completely unimpressive, unless you’re into fish pants, in which case you are most definitely a freak.  The one thing that Aquaman can do, however, is control anything that lives in the ocean.  Whales, kelp, Jacques Cousteau, Kevin Costner, these brute beasts are his only friends and servants. 

            So, since Aquaman has clearly, as a result of being blatantly, ineffably, and humorously useless, he’s decided to become evil.  Unfortunately, when the best you can do, superpower-wise, is try to destroy Washington D.C. with angry kelp (Aquaman and the Angry Kelp, by the way, would make a totally sweet name for a band that didn’t mind tainting itself with the suckiness that is Aquaman), you’re not going to get very far in your mad quest for global domination (especially when Dick Cheney retaliates with his superpower of hurling lightning bolts at total losers).  So, lacking a plan capable of bringing us surface-dwellers to our knees, Aquaman has instead chosen to do what all potentially evil, yet tragically lame people do:  be really annoying.  To this end, Aquaman has marshaled his vast army of sea lions off the coast of California, and commanded them to jump out of the water and sink sailboats.  Here, far from the watchful eye of Dick Cheney and his electric robo-baboon army, Aquaman’s hideous plans come to vile fruition as untold dozens of innocent sailboats are sent to the murky depths of whichever ocean it is over on that side of the country.

            How did we let things get this bad in the first place?  By coddling sea creatures.  Seriosuly, except for a select few ocean creatures (the flatulent coral of the Sargasso and the surly flounder of the Bosporus immediately spring to mind), pretty much everything in the ocean is endangered and federally protected, and has been since the 70s, when at last we forgot the carnage and bloodshed of the Great Manatee Wars of the 18^th century.  As a result, everything that lives in the ocean has gotten all cocky, and now the metaphorical chickens of vengeance have come home roost (The Metaphorical Chickens of Vengeance, by the way, would make such an awesome band name that I’m almost tempted to take up playing the Jew’s harp again.  Almost.).

            What can each of us do to help then, to turn the tide of this submarine war which throws itself upon us as the metaphorical fat drunken frat dude of foreign aggression upon the hot yet thoroughly non-skanky babe of America?  The answer is clear, it’s high time we started putting the oceans and all of its foul denizens back where it belongs, below sea level.  How can you help?  By putting the smack down on any and all sea creatures you meet in your daily life.  That baby seal you pass at Sheetz every day?  Club it.  That orca at work who keeps stealing all of your post-it notes at the office?  Go Captain Ahab on his ass (whales think they’re so great anyway, “Ooh, look, I’m a mammal but I live under water!  Aren’t I special?” what a bunch of freaks).  In a battle like this, there can be no quarter asked, and none given, so even if you see the Little Mermaid while you’re out at Linens n’ Things, call in the sushi bar next door on her.

            Let’s face it, the ocean already has two thirds of the planet in its damp thrall, the last thing we need to be doing is letting them just flop in here and take over the rest of it.  So, all ye good people of Blog World, I call upon thee to rise up against this marine menace and smack it back into the Pleistocene Epoch, right where it belongs.  And Aquaman, if you’re reading this, I know what you’re up to, and so do Dick Cheney and his robo-baboons.