Greetings and felicitations blogheads! I realize that this pasty week I’ve been a little light on the updates, but rest assured that now that Publick Day is over and everything is once more beer and skittles, I’ll be back to my usual schedule. As some of you may recall, last Monday I just kind of did a blog dedicated to randomness, and it seems to have gone over pretty well, so here’s some more pure unadulterated chaos, enjoy:
My parents were getting a new door installed, which in and of itself isn’t really all that exciting (unless you live the dullest life ever, or possibly are some kind of a sick twisted freak). The company that was going to come and install it for us was called Wolverine Construction. I was totally psyched about this bit of news, as you may well imagine, but I was worried they’d made some mistake. I mean, it’s not like we needed anymore wolverines built in the house (heaven only knows, there’s more than enough already), maybe we should have called Build A New Door On Your Grandmother’s Front Porch Construction instead. It was cool though, cause it turned out that they had decided to branch out and do doors too. But then I was like, whoa, what if the guys who put in the door are wolverines? So I was expecting them to be all hairy and voracious, and gnaw the old door out of its frame or something, but when their truck rolled up, I was disappointed to see that they were just a bunch of white guys. So I was like, okay, maybe they’ve got adamantium claws or something, but lo, ‘twas not to be. It was just a name. Also, it turns out that some warehouse troll ate the doorknob whilst it was in storage, and they couldn’t install it today anyhow. I was unaccountably sad.
If you were driving around in a Transformer or some other kind of robot in disguise, and all of a sudden an evil Deceptacon and/or President Jimmy Carter appeared and started trying to turn the world’s beef supply into energon cubes or something, you’d better open the door and jump out and do some combat rolls or something, because I’ll bet that if you stayed inside, you’d be squished when he transformed into a robot that still strongly resembled a vehicle.
The other day I was at the store, and I saw they had a four pack of tape measures. But tape measures are like, the most unnecessary thing ever to have four of, because you never need more than one, unless you’re some kind of octopus contractor, or maybe a wolverine. And it wasn’t they it was just four for the price of one, like if you were outfitting an entire truck of wolverines, it was the variety pack of tape measures, and they were all different in magical and fascinating ways. Who’s their target audience on this, people with ADHD? “I wonder how long this is. No, wait! I wonder how long this thing is! Hark, there’s that thing over there, I must measure it as well!” It was weird.
Remember in the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles theme song, where they say “Donatello does machines”? That’s always weirded me out.
There’s one of those Used To Be A 7-11 Seafood Emporiums near my house (don’t ask why, but all extinct 7-11s become either ethnic dry cleaners or ghettofabulous seafood emporiums). Anyway, lest the fact that they sell seafood be lost on the general publick (I know that’s not how its spelled, but I think I confused my spell checker the other day, and now it won’t let me type it without the K), they made one of the O’s in “Seafood” look like a little pirate ship steering wheel, which as everybody well knows is the universal sign for snow crab legs. Except their sign isn’t that big, so until you’re right in the parking lot, it looks like they spelled “Seafood” with a little targeting crosshairs thingie. And that’s just confusing, like they’re trying to mess with your head or something. It’s like having a sign that said “Day Care” and making the C into an electric juicer. Or putting up a sign that said “Bed Bath & Beyond” only the little and thingie was a skull or a roto-tiller. Or if you had a sign that said “
Sometimes I worry about how we’re all just one disaster away from the fall of civilization and that beneath the fine wenge veneer on the armoire of humanity, lies the crappy particleboard shelving unit of barbarianosity. But then I think, “Hey, twenty years ago, Vanilla Ice and Communism were both popular, and now they’re both trying to reinvent themselves as being all hard core death metal (I myself remember when Communism stopped shaving that lightning bolt into its hair) but everyone just laughs at them anyway” So you see, we are making progress after all. Also, now we have EZ Cheez and remote controlled air conditioners. If that’s not proof that humanity is fast evolving into a Q-like state of omnivorosity and surliness, I don’t know what is.
