Most concerned citizens, upon hearing the news that Wal-Mart is considering building vast underground cities where their employees can live and raise their families, might be understandably concerned about the alarming social changes that such a move could bring about. I on the other hand, could think only of one thing, “Cool!” I mean really, a vast subterranean Wal-Mart metropolis would have all sorts of benefits to society, assuming that by benefits you mean “Things that could herald the end of humanity as we know it while simultaneously being totally friggin’ awesome”. How, you may ask, could such a simple declaration have such great and far-reaching import? Well, just sit back, grab a pork soda, and read on me mateys!
Now, as most of you know, I’m no stranger to the earthy subject of sub terrene existence, whether it be concerning morlocks, supervillians, Bigfoot, or of course, Spanky, Lord of the Mole People (who may be seen exhorting his evil followers below in a picture recently sent to me by alert and perceptive teacupmammoths reader Matt Hoover).
It is with no small measure of self-aggrandizing authority then that I say that people living underneath Wal-Mart would be ineffably sweet, merely in terms of the sort of things that one could expect to happen to people who dwelt beneath a Wal-Mart for extended periods of time after say, a nuclear war or invasion by space aliens wiped out the rest of humanity, or possibly merely reduced them to a Mel Gibsonion life of desert wandering and Tina Turner battling.
First, Wal-Mart would be like, their entire world, like it was for those people who lived in that big non-Wal-Mart city in
Next, they’d probably start to evolve in such a way as to flourish more awesomely in there kingdom of endless night. Like, their eyes would start to get all sensitive to light and stuff, so at first, when some brave souls would venture out to scavenge materials from the overworld, they’d be wearing space goggles and funky enviro-suits made from pleather, old tires, and free AOL CDs. Eventually though, they would grow to hate and fear the sun, and they’d get all extra white and start looking like Smeagol so that if perchance one of them was banished to the surface world for shoplifting or something, he’d have to thrive within the shadows of the night, ever cursing the sun and gnashing his unreasonably pointy teeth.
Also, I’ll bet they’d start mutating in all sorts of freaky and improbable ways, like developing psychic powers so whenever a overworlder found his way to him, they could make him fight a giant shadow panda for their amusement. And, lest each of their cities be an island unto itself, most of them would be connected by a series of tunnels dug with funky steampunk-looking drill trains. But there’d be like, the one Forgotten City, where according to legend, all the wondrous secrets of the Ancients were stored that could turn all the other Wal-Marts into an earthly paradise and free them from the threat of the Mole People, who would always be trying to steal their supply of Cheese Nips and Brittany Spears CDs. And then there’d be like, the one Forbidden Wal-Mart (That would be the Forest Hill one, if you’re wondering), where Zoltar, the Tainted One would sit and brood in darkness, plotting his revenge on those who cast him out of the high council (oh yes, there would be a high council). And like, one day Zoltar would ally himself with Spanky, Lord of the Mole People, and he’d be all conquering all of the other Wal-Mart cities, and only the Chosen Ones, Atreyu, Keanu Reeves, and Bob Dole would escape to hunt for the Forgotten City with nothing to guide them but an old Muppet voiced by Frank Oz and a tattoo on a Welsh corgi.
Ooh, and I bet they’d have some kind of crazy underground Wal-Mart religion, where they’d all worship a big picture of Sam Walton, or maybe a nuclear bomb they found (at least until Charlton Heston blew it up), and they’d have the Hour of Madness everyday, and everyone would go all crazy and run amok (don’t ask why, in post apocalyptic undercities, you’re required by law to have one of these). Or maybe they’d all be Lutherans, that would be weird too, but not in the same way.
So yeah, even if this whole Wal-Mart underground city of darkness thing happens, don’t worry too much, cause it’s gonna be pretty sweet.
