If you’re ever building a sentient computer and you don’t want it to go haywire and become evil, then maybe you shouldn’t give it an eerily soothing voice and a big red evil-looking light for an eye, cause yeah, if you do that, you’re just asking for some evil backlash.

            You know how Olympic swimmers always shave all the hair off their bodies?  They say it makes you swim faster, but that’s ridiculous.  Just look at otters, they’re the furriest dang things ever, and they can anybody.  The same goes for baby seals, fur-bearing trout, and Kevin Costner.  Honestly now, if the only things that lived in the ocean were say, Gorbachev and other whales, I could see how a person might believe that being bald would make you a better swimmer, but c’mon now, what about otters?

            If I were ever President and I made a mistake or something (not a big one like “accidentally” bombing France, but just something minor like falling off a Segway or sticking a lobster in my ear), instead of trying to act all dignified like my cat does when she falls off a chair or something, I’d just go “NARF!”  Just imagine, people all over the world seeing you fall down at an airport and narfing about it.  I’m pretty sure that peace in the Middle East would happen pretty much automatically after that, not to mention bombing France.

            I’ll bet that for people in Africa, lions are like cows.  So if for instance, you went to some college out in the Blue Ridge Mountains of Botswana, you’d be used to driving past all these fields full of lions on your way to school.  And in like, the Botswana Maymont petting zoo, there’d be all these lions, and only the city kids would be freaked out/eaten by them.  But say the circus came to town, and there was like, a cow tamer there, and he’d taught it to jump through fiery hoops and maul koalas and stuff, then that’d be totally new and different.

            I was at the hardware store looking at rulers, and I saw that all of them had a warning on them. “Always wear eye protection when using this tool” they all said.  Seriously, if you need to wear goggles to avoid blinding yourself with a ruler, maybe you shouldn’t even be leaving the house and going to hardware stores.  Okay, maybe if you were trying to measure something less that 12 inches long in a hurricane or something, you might want to wear goggles, but that’s the great thing about rulers, pretty much anything that you can measure with them is small enough that you can just pick it up and carry it to a non-hurricane-infested environment, like inside your house, or at the nearest Applebee’s.  So maybe rulers should just have a warning on them that says, “Do not use this tool during a hurricane; do not stab yourself in the eye with this tool.”  Then all the rest of us could stop worrying that rulers were somehow terribly dangerous or something.

            Also while I was at the hardware store, I noticed that there’s a drill bit manufacturing company called Freud.  That’s just silly.

            If you’re a pirate, then you’ve probably got really bad depth perception on account of your having an eye patch.  So if you were out at the mall or something, and you saw a whole bunch of smurfs, you shouldn’t get all excited right away or anything, because it might just be the Blue Man group really far away.

            You know how they make those little calendars where every day is a new puppy, crossword puzzle, or tropical harwood?  That’s great and all for people who want to start each day with something happy, but what about evil and/or really depressed people?  You don’t want them having a puppy calendar, it would just remind them how sad they were, or possibly motivate them to declare a jihad on puppies or something.  That’s why they should make like, the Hitler-a-Day calendar, where every day is Hitler.  Maybe one day, it would be like, a Hitler-related word search, or a humorous picture of Hitler in a foam rubber cowboy hat, or maybe a picture of Hitler hanging out of a tree, and the caption would be something like, “Is it Friday yet?”, or “Hang in there, Adolf!”

            Everyone thinks submarine sandwiches are named after the ocean-going vessel of the same name (minus the sandwich part).  That’s ridiculous though, because submarines only go back to the Civil War (and then I bet they were called something goofy, like bathyspheres, or aquavelocipedes).  Sandwiches, on the other hand, go all the way back to Earl of Sandwich, who wanted foodstuff that was long enough to beat a street urchin with.  He probably spent a lot of time with his friend, the Earl of Submarine, and together they came up with the submarine sandwich.  Then, after some other guy invented a boat that could (and was supposed to) go underwater, someone else was all like, “Hey, that thing looks like a submarine sandwich!”  And the rest was history.

            You know how some people just age really well, so even after they’re seniors, they still always get carded for the senior discount?  Most people find this flattering, but you know who probably doesn’t?  Vandal Savage, the immortal caveman supervillian.  Like, he’ll be at Commonwealth 20, buying a ticket to see Milo & Otis 2: Judgment Day, and the guy at the window will be all like, “That’ll be $8 sir.”  And Vandal Savage will be all like, “Hang on there sonny, I’m over 12, 000 years old and that mean I get in for $5.50!  Why, back in my day, you could buy one of those big stone cars we used to drive around in for that much money!”  And then he’d have to show his license anyway, because if there’s one thing I’ve learned in my life, the ticket guy at Commonwealth 20 rarely believes you when you claim to be an immortal caveman supervillian, even if you bring a club along.

            If you died, and went to Heaven, and at freshman orientation Moses was there, and he looked exactly like Charlton Heston, that would be the coolest thing ever.  Also, I’ll bet that once he dies, Charlton Heston and Moses will always be like, dressing the same and getting into all manner of shenanigans, and confusing everybody.  They’ll be like just like the Olsen twins that way, except for the fact that this’ll be in Heaven, and since the Olsen twins are probably Scientologists or something, that means that instead of heaven, they’ll just come back to Earth as identical Walruses, or go to the Planet Vulcan, or whatever happens to Scientologists when they die.