Throughout all the ages of human history and civilization, there have been many numerous standards and definitions of hotness.  But ever since the dawn of time, during all the ages of the Earth, there has been one woman perennially thought by all to be the very epitome of babetude.  That woman, of course, is Wonder Woman, the one human being on the planet who can fly around in a pair of star-spangled panties and still command respect from evildoers (Bill Clinton tried it too for a while, but it just wasn’t the same).  Yes, possessed of the awesome superhuman powers of being able to throw a tiara in a straight line (Have you ever tried doing that?  Whenever I do, mine just kinds of zings off in a random direction, hitting Lex Luther purely by chance, if at all), and never having to fix her hair, Wonder Woman tirelessly works to raise the glass ceiling in the superhero business.  But of course, no hero is complete without a little bit of mystery, and Wonder Woman is no different in that regard from any other.  Come with me then, as we explore one of the great questions of our age.

            Why does Wonder Woman’s Battle Brassiere have a big WW on it?  I mean, while she was on the island of the Amazons, her name was Diana, and the armor is way older than she is anyway.  Nobody started calling her Wonder Woman until she got into the superheroining business (originally they tried calling her “Flying Around Punching Stuff Girl” but that didn’t look nearly as good on a lunchbox).  So unless like, every woman before her who wore that armor had the ancestral sorority nickname of Wonder Woman, it just doesn’t make sense that there’d be these concentric Ws on her Corset of Invulnerability.  Which leaves us with the question, “Where’d the WW come from?”  Really, if we’re going to be scientific about this, the best thing to do is to simply start with a list of all the people who have the initials WW and then narrow it down from there.

            Okay, it turns out that there’s no website that can help me to do that thing I just proposed to do, so I’m gonna just have to work from memory, and um, yeah, there aren’t any women ever who have those initials so, by infallible process of elimination, we arrive that the one possible conclusion: Woodrow Wilson.  No, really, who else could it be, Wendell Wilkie?  I think not.  No, Woodrow Wilson is actually a frighteningly likely candidate for being the first to wear Wonder Woman’s outfit.  For instance, since we know that the Amazons are all sorts of ancient and Grecian and all that, whoever came up with the armor must have been incredibly old, and since Woodrow Wilson was born back in the Pleistocene Epoch, it all works out from a timeline point of view.

            Also, didn’t you ever wonder about why Wonder Woman needs an invisible jet?  I mean, she can already fly without one, and since its invisible she’s always forgetting where she parked it anyway, until the Flash runs into it at approximately 3,000 miles and hour and creates some kind of a rift in the space-time continuum or something.  Besides, isn’t being an Amazon princess with a lasso and a Frisbee tiara already mixing your media a little too much anyways?  Why push you luck by bringing a completely random and unnecessary invisible aircraft into the picture?  If you recall though, Woodrow Wilson was one of the few Presidents of the early 20^th century who couldn’t fly under his power, so if he were the first Wonder Woman, he would need a jet.  And since jets hadn’t officially been invented yet (despite the fact that Chester A. Arthur had already discovered jet technology by taking apart a crashed alien spacecraft that he found in his kitchen pantry) making it invisible makes perfect sense after all. 

And didn’t you ever wonder why, despite being from a completely different civilization, Wonder Woman’s suit is still red, white, and blue? I mean sure it’s possible, but then it’s also possible that space aliens would just happen to all speak English and be attracted to William Shatner, but it’s not really all that likely.  If Woodrow Wilson was Wonder Woman once though, it all falls into place since he would surely have used the colors of America.  And what about the lasso anyway?  Those aren’t Greek or Roman or Canadian of whatever ancient civilization the Amazons are supposed to be from.  They’re from America, which is why Woodrow Wilson would have felt perfectly comfortable using one to catch monsters and make bad guys tell the truth.  And what about her bullet-proof bracelets?  The Ancient whoevers didn’t have guns, so why would they bother making something bullet-proof.  Woodrow Wilson however, had grown up during the Civil War, and had seen the horrors of modern military technology during World War I, so he would certainly have seen the necessity of making such a mighty accessory as a pair of bullet-proof bracelets.

The way I see it, Woodrow Wilson did not in fact die in 1924, rather he was seized with remorse for having held up women’s’ suffrage in America for so long, and decided to make it up to the world, as well as to women in general.  So, after consulting with his magic 8 ball, he moved to the ancient Amazon island of Themiscira and changed his name to Hippolyta, Queen of the Amazons.  There he grew his hair out and started wearing a slinky-looking evening toga around, all the while working to promote women’s causes and being the first person in history to use the phrase “Grrl Power”.  Eventually though, he realized that he wouldn’t be around forever, and so commissioned a magically hot looking outfit for his successor to wear as she battled evil and kind of had a crush on Batman.  Unfortunately, while out shopping for shoes one day, Woodrow Wilson was slain by a rogue narwhal, and Princess Diana had to put on the mantle of Wonder Woman without having time to go out and get it re-monogrammed with her own initials.

So there you have it, the truth behind Wonder Woman’s costume, and the true end of one of the 20^th century’s nerdiest Presidents.  And as for the star-spangled panties, you’re really better off not knowing absolutely everything sometimes, so try not to be too curious about that.