Okay, first off let me apologize for not posting more often this week; this have just been really random lately and what with saving the world from evil and all I haven’t been able to work on the blog as much as I ought. Secondly, owing to the uncommon randomness of the past week, I find myself presently with a plentitude of grist for the Monday mill, so even though it is, technically speaking, Sunday, I’m gonna write a Monday blog today anyhow, and then do another one tomorrow. So, if you’re the sort of person who sets their calendar by my blog, you’re about to get completely thrown off and miss all your appointments, mwahahaha.

They need to make brass knuckles out of the same stuff the make ring pops out of, that way you cold punch someone, and then just eat the evidence. Then when the cops showed up and were all like, "Hey, this guys been punched with brass knuckles!" You could just feign innocence, unless they knew what you were up to and checked to see if your tongue was purple, then the jig would be up indeed.

When my sister was younger, she and three of her friends dressed up like WWII global leaders for Halloween. So they got to this one woman’s house and were all like, "I’m Winston Churchill," "I’m Josef Stalin," "I’m FDR," etc. To which this woman replied, in a statement which shall forever dwell in our family lore, "I’m sorry, but I don’t know any of them; I just moved into this neighborhood."

What’s up with all those signs out that say, "We Pay Cash for Houses!"? At what point does someone say, "Y’know honey, I’m tired of our lot being cluttered up with all these houses, let’s go trade a few of them in for fast cash." Do people actually think this way? Who in their right mind thinks, "Hey, I’d like to be temporarily wealthy and homeless, yeah, that seems like a good and well-thought out idea to me."?

Why is it that whenever someone suspects that Clark Kent is Superman and they need to know for sure, that always set his car to blow up? First, if you turn out to be wrong, then you’re in for some serious embarrassment at having just blown up some non-Superman guy. Also, even if you’re right, he’s gonna be pissed. Why not just run up and try to give him a Dutch rub or try to get him to run with scissors or something? That way if you’re wrong, you haven’t just committed murder, which is frowned upon in many localities.

I was at the mall the other day, and I saw Gandalf hanging out in Sears. Seriously, he was this old guy with a big gnarly wizard staff just chillin’ down by the escalator. At first I was kind of surprised, but then later on, I think I saw a Mallrog hiding in the back of the Gymboree. I’m just glad I got out of there before an epic battle ensued or anything.

I was at the bookstore, as is my wont, and in the science section, they had a bok called Nanotechnology for Dummies. You know, if you’re a dummy, then maybe it would just be better for all concerned if you just left nanotechnology the hell alone and stuck with politics or interior decorating. Remember what happened when Wesley Crusher made all those nanites that messed up the Enterprise? Don’t be that guy. Instead, why not pick up a copy of Shiny Objects for Dummies? You’re less likely to unleash techno-Armageddon on the world that way.

McGruff the crime dog always says we should take a bite out of crime, but really, isn’t crime bad enough that we need to do more than take a bite of it? That’s like suggesting that crime is like a cookie, or a delicious waffle, which it is not. Instead, how about if we proceed from the assumption that crime is like Hitler, then McGruff’s motto could be, "Destroy crime’s war machine with systematic bombing until is hides under Berlin, then poison it, shoot it in the face, and set it on fire. Then years later make a humorous Mel Brooks musical about it." That’s not quite as catchy, but if you really hate crime, you can’t treat it like a cookie, or even a steak, unless it’s an evil criminal steak, then maybe a bite would be acceptable.

If it really takes a tough man to make a tender chicken, is there like, a sliding scale of toughness, or is this an absolute thing? Like, as long as you’re moderately tough, will all your chickens be tolerably tender, or is it that the tougher you are, the more tender all chickens under your aegis will become? Like, if Mr. T owned a chicken farm, would that make all the chickens to tender that they’d just turn into nuggets right there in the field? I hope so, because while my understanding of poultry mastery is decidedly incomplete, I get the distinct feeling that the benuggeting phase is among the less enjoyable steps of chicken processing, especially if it really does involve the use of a giant melon-baller.