I bet if Darth Vader had a secretary, she totally hated her job. Because every time the phone would ring, she’d be perpetually wondering if this was an obscene phone call, or just her boss doing his asthma thing. In fact, one suspects that on the Death Star there was pretty high turnover in most jobs, especially in the field of being an incompetent death-choked feet admiral. And when you’ve got those kinds of HR problems, all the inspirational kitten-themed coffee mugs and posters in the world aren’t gonna save you.
Did you know that at McDonalds, a cheeseburger costs a mere 99¢? And a double cheeseburger costs only a penny more, at the price of $1. Which means, logically, that that extra burger on the double cheeseburger only costs a cent. This, in turn suggests that McDonalds is making their burgers from only the finest meat that fell off of the back of the dead rat delivery truck (oh yes, there is a dead rat delivery truck). Unless of course, it’s the same kind of thing as where buying a round trip plane ticket only costs like, $20 more than a one way, which would make a double cheeseburger more like a round trip flavor adventure for your mouth, which sounds a lot more delicious than that bit about the dead rats.
I was at the hardware store looking at padlocks, and they had one that was advertised as a gate lock, but it was really just a generic ol’ padlock. So, just in case you had no imagination at all, they had a helpful list of other stuff that you could also keep closed with it. “Also good for: toolboxes, utility sheds, minimal security prisons, etc.” Honestly now, does anyone really need to be instructed about all the various used of a lock? “Damn, I wish there was a way to stop people from stealing the contents of my utility shed all the time. Oh wait, here’s something called a ‘lock’. Hmmm, how very novel; curses, it’s for gates only! What the?! It says here I can use it for other things as well, including utility sheds! Suh-weet; you just saved my life and my marriage, Masterlock Incorporated!”
I was walking through Sears the other day, and I passed their little portrait studio place there. They had a sign out though, advertising, amongst other things, their skilled photographers and unique poses. What the hell do they mean by unique poses? Even if you keep your mind out of the gutter on this one, it’s still tough to come up with something that’s not completely weird. “Okay guys, instead of y’all just standing there looking all boring and Rockwellian, I’m gonna need Timmy to wrestle this puma in a vat full of jello; Mom, you take this broadsword and foam rubber cowboy hat and get in this Oldsmobile over here; Dad, you go put these Kleenex boxes on your feet and play poker with all these strangely anthropomorphic dogs; and Rasputina you put on this stainless steel bustier and a few extra arms with swords and severed heads and stuff and do your best impression of an enraged Buddhist deity. Say Cheese!” Okay, on second thought, that would be pretty sweet after all.
On a similar note, if a Sears burned down, it would be almost ironic.
On a not at all similar note, when my mom was in college, she had a poster on her wall that said, “Freedom is My Mistress”. I think we’d all be a lot better off today if more people randomly shouted this helpful little phrase throughout the day.
In the mall, they have a big sign with a picture of Mohammed Ali above the words, “His Biggest Fight Yet Isn’t in the Ring.” If you didn’t know he was sick though, you could easily walk away with completely wrong/awesome ideas about what his biggest fight would be with. I personally would lean towards him fighting an army of evil robots, or maybe Paris Hilton riding a bear. Either way, it’s an inspiring poster.
At the Sprint kiosk in the aforementioned mall, they’ve got a big sign bearing the legend, “Yes You Can!” Which is only a great saying of affirmation if right before you read it, you asked yourself something like, “Gee, can I too afford the quality and convenience of a Sprint wireless plan?” But what if you had just asked yourself something else entirely, like, “Can I fly?” or “Can I eat lava?” or maybe even, “Would spandex look good on me?” None of these questions should ever be answered with a yes, unless you’re Superman, which you aren’t (Unless Superman is actually reading my blog, which is totally sweet), because he can get away with all three, or unless you’re Kirsten Dunst, in which case you can only do two of them. So thanks a lot Sprint, I hope when the 2006 numbers for lava-eating and spandex-wearing related fatalities come out, you all feel proud about what you’ve done!
I saw a car on the road the other day, the license plate of which said UR JLO. No, car, I’m afraid I’m not. And the worst thing was, it was a Virginia car, so the odds of Jennifer Lopez ever reading that license plate are pretty much nonexistent, which means that this car is the biggest liar on the road since that other one with the 2SEXY4U plate a couple of years back. Unless of course they meant JLO in the sense of the Justice League of Ontario, in which case it’s absolutely right that I am indeed a member of that particular august body of heroes and hotties (I myself fall more into the “heroes” category, in case you were wondering), though I’d rather not have a car driving around blowing our cover like that.
