In modern society, we tend to believe that we have advanced beyond the point where most forms of discrimination are both behind us and beneath us.  Gone are the days of Segregation, women being barred from becoming starship captains, and the prohibition of romantical relations between consenting adults and most forms of livestock.  Indeed, we have come a long way in such matters.  Alas, there is yet among us one minority nigh-universally discriminated against by all the fashions of the world, lefties.  How, you may ask, are left handed folks (or as we prefer to be called “differently-handed Americans”) so reviled by society?  Well, let’s take a little tour of the oppressive society in which we live as we take a look at all the myriad ways in which Righty is always keeping a brother down.

            First and foremost of course, are scissors.  Honestly, if you’re left-handed, trying to cut with right-handed scissors is like trying to kill a yak by throwing peanut butter at it; it’s very messy, everyone else thinks you’re retarded, and it rarely works well enough to justify the effort.  How tough would it be to just make a few pairs of left-handed scissors and then sell them at your usual scissor emporiums?  I mean, something like 10% of Americans are lefties; it’s not like we’re some weird little conclave of freaks like people who drink decaf or something.

            And don’t even get me started on soda machines, every single button and coin slot on those things is way over to the right side, so you can either try to successfully feed a dollar in with your right hand, thereby making all onlookers think that you’ve got some horrible ailment that makes you a clumsy doofus (such as Clumsiticus Doofitus, named after it’s discoverer, Dr. Isaac Doofus) or you can just use you left hand, which means standing way off to the right side of the machine like you’re afraid it is liable to dispense your Dr. Pepper with altogether inappropriate vehemence, thereby necessitating you getting the hell out of its way.

            And what about those little debit card pads they have at stores these days?  Why is it that the little writing stick for them is always on a cord three inches long?  That may be fine for right-handed folks, but for the rest of us (by which I mean not only lefties, but also the ambidextrous and people who write with their ears, known collectively as the LAPWWTE Community) this is way too short and as a result our collective signature always looks like we were wrestling our own weight in rabid midgets whilst trying to pay for a sack of potatoes or other ammunition.  And it’s not like they couldn’t just make the cords longer, unless they’re made out of kryptonite or monopoles or honest lawyers or some other incredibly rare and expensive substance.  No, whoever made these things just didn’t care whether a tenth of the human race could use them comfortably or not.

            On the bright side, we lefties totally rule at tossing quarters into toll booths.  Often times a bunch of us will all pile into the car and just park out near the Powhite toll plaza just to watch you and your imperious ilk ham-handedly lob coins in the general direction of the quarter taking thingie (and yes, that is the technical term for it).  It’s not a problem for us though; I don’t even have to slow down for toll booths, I just kind of do a drive-by quarter tossing and it’s all good.  Heck, if I’m feeling generous sometimes I’ll just fling an entire handful of quarters as I go past and every single one of them will amazingly hit their mark, because that’s how much lefties rule the toll booth.  Seriously, if the toll booth was France, left-handed people would be Germany, because we totally conquer it on a daily basis and plunder it of it’s many berets, exotic cheeses and skanky chain-smoking women.

            Also, toilets are left-handed, and I’m not sure why.

            So, perhaps all you right-handed people think you’ve got a pretty sweet thing going on right now, oppressing I and all my sinister brethren like you do, but wait, and chortle at your own peril!  For you see, living in a right-handed world as we must has taught many of us to use our right hands as well.  Indeed, after years of necessity, I can now operate a computer mouse with either of my hands.  And since computer mice are often (and not without good reason) compared to battle axes, it follows that many of us southpaws get something like, +18 to our dual wield ability.  Not only that, but we can also play the guitar upside down and do the Vulcan Death Grip with either hand we choose.  This coupled with our innate quarter chucking ability means that if and when the revolution does occur, you’d best be prepared from ravening hordes of left-handed persons roaming the streets, pelting their oppressors with pocket change and battle axes, while upsetting soda machines and ATMs.  Toilets, however, will be spared, on account of their strange but ever so welcome compliance with our special needs.

            You have been warned.