If your hometown is destroyed by meteors, why do you still call it a meteor shower? Showers are supposed to be refreshing while revitalizing your hair. I’m pretty sure that if
If you illegally downloaded a song about pirates without paying for it, that would be completely ironic.
If you were a marginally literate vampire, I bet you would foolishly stay away from steakhouses.
You know how Green Arrow’s super power was dressing like Robin Hood and having 137 different kinds of arrows? Why did he need say, an arrow that turned into a boxing glove and an additional arrow that turned into a net, while yet another turned into a tiny green miniature schnauzer? And it’s not just that he was too noble to kill people, because he also had an arrow that was a quantum detonator. It’s like if you got in a fight with him, he could either shoot you with something that might hopefully render you temporarily unconscious, or launch a device at you capable of tearing the very fabric of the universe asunder, but without any middle ground whatsoever. That’s why when I become an archery-themed superhero, I’m just gonna go with the pointy arrow, and possibly one that has an angry raccoon tied to it.
If you had a preternaturally enormous head, and you got a job as a driver for Napa, and one day the boss came in to find that all their truck hats were mysteriously gone, you would probably have some ‘splainin to do.
I want to see a Waffle House fight an Ihop. It would be totally awesome, because Ihop would be the uber-classy one, where they all wore blue blazers and were named Nigel and hung out at regattas after they got off of work. Waffle House though, would be composed of a wide variety of loveable misfits from all your various socio-ethnic classes. Like you’d have the fat kid, and the kid who was always complaining, and the Asian kid who was always building ingenious yet unreliable contrivances, and the black kid who didn’t say much but was a total badass, and the tomboy, and that Central American kid with the power to control monkeys, and the Waffle House manager would be John Candy (who, for our purposes, will have risen from the grave for one last epic battle of ineffable sweetness) and he’d be all working against his bad reputation for having once foolishly thrown a previous ultimate restaurant showdown. But they’d all learn a lot about teamwork and sticking together, and then they’d end up punching the Ihop crew from off of a flaming Nazi Zeppelin.
You know how at the end of King Kong, that guy says, “No, it wasn’t the airplanes; ‘twas beauty killed the beast.”? That was actually a last minute substitution made to avoid offending the people of the 30s. The original line was, “No, it wasn’t the airplanes; ‘twas your mom!”
You know how sometimes in other countries American stores have different names so that people there won’t be boggled by our obscure cultural references? I hope this means that in
You know how a couple months back someone kidnapped that baby penguin? Well, I just found out that it wasn’t just any penguin, its actual scientific name was a jackass penguin. Which leads me to suspect that it was never really kidnapped at all; it just ran away. And then of course it got a show on MTV where it crashed shopping carts into things and performed Xtreme skateboarding stunts.
I want to go to an emo concert (not for its own sake, but for a greater, and soon to be revealed purpose) and while everyone else there is just sort of leaning in time with the music like emos do, I’m gonna start really getting into it and start busting out my many and wondrous moves and skillz. And then once they’re all looking at me with unadulterated horror, I’m gonna throw off my trench coat and enormous black pants and underneath I’ll be wearing all sorts of brightly and cheerfully colored garb with smiley faces and mood rings and bling bling of all sorts. Then they’ll all go home and write really humorously depressing and formulaic poems about suffering on myspace while I go on a wacky roadtrip to
