Perhaps you’ve read the news that the Mongolian Embassy in DC wants to put up a statue of Genghis Khan, which is of course, the most awesome thing since sliced awesome. Now, many n’er do wells and blankets of unadulterated dampness have decided that Genghis Khan isn’t a fitting subject for a statue in
You know how they say you ought to cut up those rings that hold six-packs together because they’ll choke sea turtles? If you think about it, this actually makes no sense at all, assuming as it does that either we continue to dump all six-pack rings into the ocean simply as a matter of course, or alternately that sea turtles live in landfills, which, for the most part, is not the least bit true (the lone and notable exception to this being the Buttworthy Hawksbill, which in fact flourishes in landfills, garbage dumps, and wastewater treatment facilities, but which curls up and dies like a scorched hippo when introduced to clean water).
I saw a poster the other day proclaiming a dodgeball tournament to help handicapped kids. Honestly now, if there’s one sport that handicapped kids probably hate above all others, its dodgeball. So yeah, even if you do raise a heap of money for them, they’re all still going to hate you for it. Just imagine if someone did a bake sale to help Holocaust survivors. It would not be cool.
If I were the Last Unicorn (which I am not, last time I looked), I think I’d probably track down the Last of the Mohicans, and go clubbing with him.
Just once, I’d like to see a horror movie made where a car full of attractive, college-age hillbillies breaks down in the city and they’re all murdered by deranged, inbred yuppies.
I was at Lowe’s, where everything is now posted in Spanish, and I saw a sign that said “Ferreteria” and I was all like, excited and stuff, because I thought that meant that they had a room where one could go to eat ferrets. Alas, it turns out that in Spanish, ferreteria just means “hardware”. On the other hand, in Spanish, “Employees Only” means “free puppies” so I guess we’re sort of even.
I bet the Flying Nun gets a lot of bugs stuck in her teeth.
Why did Popeye even bother carrying a pipe around? He never smoked anything; all he’d ever use it for was eating spinach. So, it worked, but he would have been so much better off just keeping a fork with him. It’s like if I wanted something to dry my hands off on, but instead of a towel, I always just always brought a mummy along with me. It works, but he’s always cursing your friends and picking fights with Brendan Frasier.
Our chickens at work have finally become so stupid that in order to get them into the coop at night, I have to individually chase them into a corner, pick them up, carry them like a football, and hurl them into the coop. Also, sometimes they try to poop on me. In short, I need a new job. Now.
