With more and more people these days wanting to earn their degrees, and with just as many people as ever wanting to take their money and spend it on hot tubs, supermodels, and death rays, it comes as no surprise that everybody and their grandmother is starting up online universities (Coming Soon: Ben’s Grandmother’s University) where, with as few as three or four professors, who are often imaginary and/or actually housecats, enterprising young P.T. Barnums of the ether can start their own institution of higher learning and making money.  Clearly I cannot allow such corruption and exploitation of the naïve to continue without trying to get a piece of it for myself, which is why I now introduce to you the newest cyberian learnatorium, Captain Ben’s Online University, College of Dark Overlordery, and $1.57 Ethnically Thematical Dry Cleaning Establishment (motto: El Queso del Mundi).  Yes you too can now learn such Sally Stutherian arts as home pet repair, crossbow design, not totally lame interior decorating, crushing all those who dare to oppose you, band name making upology, monkey wrangling, the art of maniacal laughter, global domination on a budget, sending me money, funky Waffle House styling, and dwarf tossing.  But before you just start hurling cash in my general direction as an Indian doth fling cashews at the screen during a showing The New World, let’s stop and meet just a few (by which I mean “all”) of our qualified and mostly non-fictional professors.

            First, we’ve got Professor The Ghost of Colonel Sanders, who has generously agreed to return from his watery grave that he might instruct the youth of America in the manly arts of deep frying things, wearing a white linen suit, and ancient Sumerian kung fu.  Not only that, but he’ll also be your freshman year academic advisor and lunch lady.  Just remember, he doesn’t accept cash or checks, only mint juleps and livestock, so prepare accordingly.

            Next, we come to The Professor from Gilligan’s Island, who is also, thanks to the miracle of podcasting, no longer dead.  Embark on a three hour tour of finding stuff out with him in such mostly not made up classes as building a radio out of coconuts, turning someone uninvisible, setting up a wireless office network made out of orangutans and corned beef, and of course, not being able to patch a hole in a boat to save your life.  While studying with the Professor, you will have the opportunity to bask in the canola oil-colored glow of his extensive wisdom concerning life in the tropics, as well as learning why nobody around here ever mentions what is euphemistically referred to as “The Mary-Ann Incident” more than once around him.

            Then of course, we have Professor M.C. Hammer, who has recently returned from an extended sabbatical while working on his latest book concerning the history of pants.  Under his flat topped Yoda-like tutelage, you will learn such ancient Fritos of wisdom as not touching this, stopping, introduction to carpentry, and horribly mangling the Addams Family theme song.  Students in all of our programs are welcome to attend his weekly Pantsravaganzas of the many specialized uses of pants that nobody ever thinks about for any number of very good reasons.

            Finally, we have Professor Emeritus Vigo the Carpathian, who, despite being suffering from an acute case of Carpathian Kitten Loss (don’t worry, it isn’t contagious. much), lectures on a wide variety of topics, such as having a giant Christina Ricci-like forehead, not smiling ever, and controlling the weak-minded.  While attending his classes students are to refrain from wearing anything depicting the Statue of Liberty and all Romanian students with poor interpersonal skills are to exercise extreme caution when visiting the Professor during office hours.

            Whether you’re taking a break between classes or merely out recovering from a cyber hangover after a night at one of our many wild and crazy virtual frat parties, you’ll love the majestic and not actually there at all scenery of our fine and capacious virtual campus.  Or stop by our online Bistro and download deliciousroastbeefsandwhich.exe.

            What ever you plans for higher education may be, I can safely and without fear of contradiction say that Captain Ben’s University & All That Other Stuff will serve your needs equally well, regardless of whether you’re a college grad looking for better credentials or a stay at home mom trying to get back into the filed of global domination.  Either way, the smartest thing you could possibly ever do is to fill out an application today, and start sending me money, I mean, learning stuff, today!