I was at Wal-Mart the other day, and whilst there I saw that Wal-Mart now has its own bank.  Now, one might think that such a bank would most fittingly be called Sam’s Choice Savings and Loan or something, but in fact, it’s called Woodforest.  No offense new Wal-Mart bank, but wood is the only flavor in which forests come.  You could have just called it Forest and everyone would have assumed the wood part.  Now, if you called it something like Spatulaforest, that would be kind of cool and I’d understand the whole compound name thing.  So, yeah, no way I’m giving my money to people who don’t even know what forests are made out of; I’m gonna stick with the good old First Bank of Mayonnaise Jar Under My Mattress.

I was at Maymont the other day, and just outside of the pen of the ill-fated bears, I saw these three Matrix-looking government guys, just hanging out and looking all soulless and badass.  At first I though maybe they were just hoping that one of Richmond’s many dialup techno rebels would challenge them to an awesome kung fu battle, but then it occurred to me that them showing up the same week as the bears got killed off was a bit too coincidental.  I’m thinking that the bears didn’t bite anyone after all; they just took the red pill.

Everyone goes on about how awesome the Special Olympics are, but they’re not looking at the big picture here.  I mean, what about all those guys who spend years training and faking drug tests and stuff just to get to the Olympics only to find out that some kid in a wheelchair is more special then they are?  That’s why America didn’t do as well in Turin this time around, all our athletes are suffering from low self esteem.  It’s tough to figure skate when you’re crying on the inside.

I was reading the installation manual for our new security cameras at work, and it had all these pictures of different setups and arrangements you could use with it.  So there’d be like, one picture with a view of a convenience store on it, and another of like, some guy’s family who he apparently was spying on, and a Hampton Inn or something.  But one of the pictures was just of a lionfish.  Now there’s only one person in the world I know of who has an interest in lionfish security, and that’s Captain Picard, who, unless I miss my guess is not a regular Samsung patron.  Shame on you, Samsung, for implying that you handle security on the Enterprise; stop pathetically endeavoring to steal Worf’s flava.

Why is it that evil robots made out of liquid metal always just make their arms into pointy things and stab people, it’s way too cliché these days?  If I’m ever made of liquid metal and have to smite someone, I’m gonna mix it up a little and morph my arms into weed whackers or kittens or something, so that the last thing my victims see isn’t me being unoriginal.  Also, if I ever kidnap anyone, I’m just staying good and clear of iron foundries, cause those things are way too dangerous.  That’s why Pittsburgh has like, the lowest liquid metal robot from the future-related fatality rate in all of America, in case you were wondering.

If you were at the public pool and while you were under water you decided to practice your whale calls, I bet that any marine biologists who were also swimming there would be briefly excited before realizing the horrible non-whale containing truth.

I’m the worst person ever, because the other day I saw an article about National No Name Calling Week and the first thing that passed through my mind was, “Whoa, what kind of retard came up with that idea?”

I think more people would read the newspaper if they started using more internet-friendly writing conventions.  Like, at the end of World War II, instead of being all like, “Victory in the Pacific!” they should have just put up a big picture of the bomb and made the headline, “Pwned!”  If I ever get thrown back in time and start up a major media outlet, I’m gonna do that.  That and learn the Charleston.  And maybe crush all those who have the temerity to oppose me and then rule them with a fist of iron.  And then get a funnel cake.