You know how at stores sometimes they have say, a $10 and less rack? Well the other day I saw a $10 and up rack, which is absolutely ridiculous, because you can put anything on there, as long as it’s over $10. Yup, space shuttles, the Hope Diamond, most congressmen, anything, as long as it’s over $10.

If I was friends with the Incredible Hulk, I think I’d buy him a mood ring, that way I’d always know if any hulkification was immanent. "What’s that Bruce, you’re anxious or slightly agitated? I think I’d better go out to the store and buy us some pork cola until you’re back to calm and peaceable."

If you really hate Brussel’s sprouts, then you will also probably never go and try to retrieve a cabbage that’s more than 50 feet away, especially if you’re a pirate and your depth perception is bad.

I think that maybe the Incredible Hulk just has really bad self esteem, and that’s why he’s got so many issues. Maybe it would help if when he met someone, he tried saying, "I’m getting angry; and while a lot of people don’t like me when I’m angry, why don’t you stick around and see if maybe we hit it off anyway?" Seriously, I think that whole "you wouldn’t like me" thing is just him trying to keep anyone from getting too close to him because he’s had some bad relationships in the past. Hulk need counseling.

What puts the ape in apricot? Courage.

Pier 1 is always advertising their unique blend of ridiculous home decor, which I happen to be a big fan of. The only thing I don’t get is why they keep limiting themselves to just that one pier. Come on guys, when I want a coffee table shaped like an Indian elephant with surfboards for tusks, if it has to come from Pier 2, I’m not gonna complain as long as you can get it for me. "Hey, do you have any fake bronze lamps shaped like a cobra riding a unicycle here?" "Nope, all those come in up at Pier 7, and we don’t even talk to them anymore. Not since the Chinese Emperor bookends incident." (And of course, The Chinese Emperor Bookends Incident would make a great name for a band)

Just once, I would like to see a cartoon or motion picture where someone who wears glasses can successfully navigate the world without them. Like you know how in Scooby Doo, whenever Velma lost hers, her eyes would get all squinty and she’d stumble into all sorts of wacky situations in which she mistook the taffy monster for the Harlem Globetrotters or something? Yeah, that’s not the way it happens in real life at all. I want to see a cartoon character lose their glasses and just be like, "Don’t worry guys, as long as solving this groovy mystery doesn’t involve me having to drive, operate heavy machinery, or shooting a man in the head at over 60 yards, I’m okay."

If your name was Al, and you were dating a woman named Betty, and you had to pick a song to be y’all’s special song, and you chose "Still Crazy After All These Years" you would never hear the end of it from all your Paul Simon afficionado friends.

The other day, I saw a car with the license plate "14 QPS" and all I could think was, "Whoa, that’s a lot of quilts per second!"

If I was Clark Kent, I think I’d get one of those Superman T-shirts and just wear it around town on my day off just to see how truly clueless everyone in Metropolis was. And then, if anyone did actually, for once, at long last, suggest that there was some similarity between myself and Superman, I’d laugh nervously, then set their shoes on fire and fly off.

I was at Maymont the other day, and whilst there, I saw what has to be the most messed up chicken ever. Actually, I’m pretty sure it was a rooster, but instead of crowing in a manner appropriate to saying, "Hark, I am a rooster, bring me my dinner, woman!" It would just sit there in the chickenarium, looking confused. Every few minutes though, it would get this look of abject horror on its face, as if up until a second ago, it had in fact been Pat Sajack and this whole being a rooster thing was a new and altogether hideous development. Then, instead of crowing, it would make this weird, soul-rending, Witch-King of Angmar shriek, and then go right back to looking confused.

Chickens are weird.