If you were a pirate, and all of a sudden, you happened, while in the crow’s nest, to spot a large assembly of chips, and you were, in a most unpiratical flight of fancy to shout, “Chips Ahoy!”  All the other pirates would probably punch you in the face, because shouting nautically-themed cookie brands at sea is a lot like calling a random Indian Pocahontas; even if you’re right, you’re gonna get punched in the face.  Also, pirates prefer Oreos.

If the Riddler were on his way to a toga party, but was proceeding with the hope that he might carry out some kind of a caper on the way and was thusly still carrying his Riddlestick, and on the way there, he passed a nativity scene that needed one more shepherd, he would already be pretty much dressed the part.  Unless it was one of those lampshade-wearing toga parties, because they’re not all that Biblical.

Why is it that Wesley Crusher only had that one space sweater?  Was he like Batman and Ernest, where he just had an entire closet full of them, or was that one just his absolute favorite?  It’s not like it was all extra cool or anything either, like if it had a flaming skull in front of a Confederate battle flag riding a motorcycle with a rattlesnake on it either.  My personal theory is that one day when he was wearing it, Counselor Troi smiled at him and he wore it forever afterwards in hopes of at last stealing her heart away from Commander Riker.

If I’m ever running for President and anyone want to make sure that I don’t have any chance at all of winning, just take that last paragraph and give it to the New York Times.

With a name like Whirlpool, you’d think that the fridges they made would be more exciting than your other brands, what with the food all spinning around in a big swirling deadly vortex of freshness and whatnot.  Alas, either their company has some serious explaining to do to me and millions of other disappointed swirling deadly vortex of freshness enthusiasts the world over, or I’m just missing a crucial passage in the instruction manual.

I don’t understand all the ads I see on the dentistry channel for dental implants.  Like, never have I beheld a person and been like, “Hey, I bet the he or she would look a lot better with bigger teeth!”  Really, the only person I know of who makes the big teeth look work for them is Teddy Roosevelt, and he only had that done so that he could bite through steel girders and then spit bullets at wild buffalo.

Remember back when Klingons had pink blood?  Yeah, that was a good week.  What happened though?  Did they just decide that pink was too effeminate or something to they’d better all undergo massive chemical therapy to make their blood red, lest the Romulans might laugh at them?  Maybe if someone told them that pink was the new gangsta color, they’d feel okay about going back to it.

On bottles of Evian water, it say, “Beauty from a Bottle.”  I’m sorry Evian, but the only bottle that makes people more beautiful is the one that contains beer.  And even then, it only works on other people.  It does, however, temporarily bestow upon the drinker +7 to leet dance skills.